Tuesday, January 17, 2012


Hope you enjoyed the long weekend!

Me, I have been pretty much chained to a big work project, but making progress, baby! Expect this whine/AW to continue for a few weeks....

Daughter has an interview for a job taking care of cute! little! kittens! -- which is about her favorite thing in the world, so cross fingers.

Whats the news on your end?


liz said...

Fingers crossed for your daughter!

esperanza said...

common cold: Mini, Mama, Sweet. G-parents and Great Grandma supposed to come in two days for Mini's BD. Good idea?

esperanza said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
liz said...

Ask GGs and Grandma how they feel about it. If they come, spray bleach on all surfaces, and do extra care with handwashing, etc.

Wash like you've got C-dif.

Sue said...

I recommend what Liz said re: washing precautions. When I had the flu, our house was treated like the "hot zone". I didn't come out of my containment station (bedroom) very often, but if I did, I had the lysol wipes in one hand and my tea cup (or whatever) in the other.

Also, as difficult as it is with wee ones, a bit of social distancing goes a long way. As I started to feel better, I would "visit" with hubby but keep my distance. I would plunk a chair in the kitchen and talk to him from there while he stayed in the living room (it's all open concept, but I didn't sit on the couch next to him - you get the idea).

Kathy a - good luck to daughter on the interview!

AW: Great service on Sunday. One of those sermons that even my deepest most insecure self has to admit was "Out. Of. The. Park." I know that no one can pull that off every week, but it feels really good when it happens.

W: The above came at a good time. I've reached that point (been here before) where I curse at the alarm clock on work days, all I want to do is sleep, I want everyone to leave me alone, I shudder when the phone rings.....etc. etc. etc. All of this is to say that, darn it, I need my depression meds adjusted again. Hopefully not too drastically.

I see family doc the day after I get back from my next set of trigger point injections (next Monday - Yay! - not a moment too soon). I'll see what he has to say then.

AW: Less than a week before the Headache Monster is disarmed for awhile!

kathy a. said...

yay, sue, about the sermon, feeling better after ze bug, and impending banishment of the headache monster! we've got your back on the creeping depression. xoxo

esperanza -- it's hard to contain kids who have company! hard to do total germ control during an event, too. how would the grandparents feel about celebrating when things are less snotty? my kids liked multiple celebrations! (why have one birthday when you can have "birthday season"?)

so. i maybe mentioned that the husband of my best friend from HS has the fucking cancer; we're planning to get together soon. all these years; she still makes me laugh! over the weekend, a good friend from college and law school told me about his marriage breaking up, and then before his wife's divorce petition really got going, she got diagnosed with a bad fucking cancer. he's being a mensch, but damn.

the antiwhine is that these are people who helped me so much when i really needed that; wonderful friends and humans. having history, not so much background needs explaining. W: where IS that magic wand?

esperanza said...

The grandparents and, to a certain extent, the baboos, are controllable. But you will not keep G-G from touching and kissing snotty baboos, no matter how many times you tell her. I do not want to be responsible (however indirectly) for the 93 yr old getting a cold...pneumonia...etc.

We're leaning toward postponing the celebration. Baboos don't even know they were supposed to be coming this week, so it will be fine on this end. Depressed grandpa may have a harder time...sigh.

Fireplacing cancer.

And, I know what you mean...the older I get, the more I rely on the long-term friendships. It's just easier.

Eagerly anticipating the slaying of the headache monster, Sue. And hopefully the meds can get adjusted easily.

liz said...

Esperanza, can you Skype with grandpa to get him over the hump until an actual non-snotty visit can be arranged?

kathy a. said...

apologies for forgetting our lexicon, and the convention of using "fireplacing."

kathy a. said...

good idea on skype, liz! and/or a phone call, photos, drawings from baboos in the mail for grandpa?

Anonymous said...

So sorry about the cancer, and the colds, and the headaches! Hugs to the many pixies in need of them. And fingers crossed for kathy a's daughter's interview. I second the nomination of skype to tide over the grandparents.

W: Strep. Neighbor Girl last week. Me, over the weekend. The long weekend.
AW: it was a long weekend, so I didn't have to miss work.
W; i missed my weekend!
AW: Antibiotics!!!!! Miracle drugs!

W; Very generous relatives offering to pay our way to a beautiful national park area that is really expensive to go to. They are meeting there and picking the dates/etc. We had wanted to go to this park this year, but decided on a different family trip (for our small family) due to the cost. This generosity is truly an antiwhine. HOWEVER, this side of the family also has a habit of "firmly requesting" or presence places they want to go at times they want to go. And I get tired of not being able to decide on our family vacations ourselves. (And of not having family vacations that don't include extended family!!!!) There is always some level of "fraught" involved. Hard to say no, but we really wanted to have a family vacation OF OUR OWN this year. Hard to turn down. ALthough, "free" is not exactly free if you know what I mean. ANd husband only has enough vacation to do one or the other-- not both.

I know--I'm being totally whiny and pathetic and ungrateful. But, you pixies know I'm really a nice person.....right?

--Neighbor Lady

liz said...

Neighbor Lady, I TOTALLY hear you on that. TOTALLY. (spoken by one who is actually taking my mom up on her perennial offer of a trip to Sunny Location in February. I'm going and Muffin Man is going. Husband is staying home.

Anonymous said...

Liz-- I like your solution. In our case, though it's his side of the family that's getting together, though, so he would need to be there.
I feel kind of guilty whining, though, and almost thought about deleting my whine, because I feel so totally lucky with the family I married in to. Though, they have their quirks too. But they love me, and I love them, and it's good.
--Neighbor Lady

kathy a. said...

NL! don't ever think of deleting a whine like that! or the antiwhine parts!

beloved and i are kind of famous in the family for skipping some of the other side's things, and also for arriving separately. also, we take small family side-trips to big-family event things. maybe there is a way to juggle this that works for your (small) family?

Sue said...

Kathy a - the fireplacing cancer is a perfectly good reason to sway from the lexicon. Every. Time.

NL - sorry about the strep but hurray for better life through chemistry. Love those antibiotics when they do the job!

As far as the vacay - hubby and I really only do stay-cations together now. He is so uncomfortable with the idea of flying ( mostly related to the impossibility of his using the tiny bathroom on the plane, never mind just getting him from the wheelchair to the seat on the plane) that going any distance just isn't going to happen. So I either go by myself or take a friend to get away for a few days. After the first trip, it didn't feel odd at all. The bonus is that he loves seeing the pictures and hearing all about my trip when I get back.

AW: went to the gym (go, endorphins, go!) and was not struck by lightning. Ya, it's been awhile. I may feel some aching in my calves tomorrow. I kept hearing hubby during my first round of (diagnosed) depression. He would bring my jacket over, put it on my shoulders and say "See? You're practically out the door already, so you may as well
go." I was driving by the gym and thought - well, I'm here, so let's do this.

Yay endorphins!

esperanza said...

Must find some of those endorphins around here somewhere. la la la gym I can't hear you.

Are endorphins found in snot, perchance?

liz said...

Endorphins are found in dark chocolate. It's a fact.

Dark chocolate raises your seratonin levels.

esperanza said...

Liz, as always, you are the herald of good tidings.

NL, I totally hear you on the so-nice-but-manipulative offers from family.

Mini is on the mend. I am not. Sweet is still on the downslope. And, according to the poking from last week, low on stored iron (not anemic, just low in storage, if I understand correctly). Could explain a lot, actually.

Sue said...

Sad to hear about the endorphin-free snot. Most unfortunate.

Good news: I'm not sore yet.

Other news: exercise makes my particular brand if migraines worse. It's a trade-off. During the exercise, I can ignore my head because the rest of me hurts more. Later though - ouch.

Ice ice baby. Story of my life. Is it Monday yet? Plz?

AW: Retirement party for my Dad this weekend. Yes, he's leaving medicine after 54 years of general practice. He sounds like he has made his peace with it. It's pretty remarkable to imagine how many patients he has helped over the years. Makes my eyes all leaky.

kathy a. said...

congratulations to your dad, sue! glad he is feeling OK about the change.

esperanza said...

Exercise makes your head worse? And yet you can still motivate yourself to do it? You are a tough cookie, Sue.

Mini is off to school with the remnants of a runny nose. Sweet is a wheezing, coughing, nebulizer-using mess. Mama is a coughing, snotty, going-to-the-doctor-tomorrow mess (who did not sleep because of said nebulizer). Daddy is in the beginnings of this plague. Grandparents and great-grandma are staying safely at home. Send chocolate and hot tea and good drugs, please.

kathy a. said...

order of chocolate, hot tea, and good drugs to esperanza, STAT!

oy, the nebulizer. it is such a wonderful thing, but applications in the night are not. hope sweet's turnaround is quick!

ya'll are never going to get me in a gym. i should at least start walking more, though.

daughter has an appointment in 1/2 hour. she was apparently up all night, on her vacation schedule. i gave her a first warning well over an hour ago, with a couple of followups. she really really needs a job so she is on a regular schedule, and i can stop feeling like Nag Mom of the Universe.

liz said...

Kathy, can I make a suggestion?

You can stop being Nag Mom of the Universe by not being her alarm clock. If she misses her appointment, she misses it. It's not your responsibility.

esperanza said...

Back in my youth director days, when we would go on trips together. I would say, "this is your alarm clock. I do not have a snooze button." I was pretty mean (you may remember my one whine per day rule).

Sweet is feeling much better, so much better that I'm regretting keeping her home from school. Hopefully it will last into the night.

kathy a. said...

honest, i hear you about not being an alarm clock. it works really *really* well when she is living someplace else!

i did not have to nag for yesterday's job appointment at 4 p.m. but i have apparently mentioned a few times that she really needs to get a job, and keep applying even though she had this one interview.

today was an eye appointment, and there's a 50-50 chance that i'd be billed for the missed appointment. at NOON, people. noon is early for her, on vacation time. i was up at 5 a.m., against my will, and she had not gone to bed yet.

Sarah at ratatat said...

KathyA - so much sympathy. Wishing her luck in the job hunt.

Esperanza - oh my on the illness. Hope you all get well soon.

Sue - wow for your Dad. That's a long time. And headache relief soon - the universe owes you.

NL - wow, that is a touch one. Hope you find a way to get the vacation you want.

Whine: Everything feels like a mess. We shared with the kids that my husband has found a rental apt. But he's coming back to see them. My new psychologist is pretty nice, but she's pushing the collaborative divorce process (which may be a good thing, just pushy). Joint placement sounds so hard. Ugh. I don't know which end is up anymore.

esperanza said...


Anonymous said...

--Neighbor Lady

Sue said...


Kathy a - you're right. It's easier to "gently remind" from a distance. We found that as soon as our adult children moved out, we all got along better. Also, our youngest (who is going back to school on the fall) is on the same clock as your daughter, except on days when he's working.

It's mind-boggling. On his day off, he's asked us not to call before 4:00 pm. Srsly?

kathy a. said...

((( sarah ))) so sorry about it all, and all the confusion.

liz said...


As a child of joint custody (Saturday night through Wednesday morning at mom's; Wednesday afternoon through Saturday at dad's), I can tell you that it's difficult, but worth it.

One thing I wish my parents had been open to is more flexibility. When I got to high school, a week/week schedule would have been better for me, but they were unwilling (or maybe unable) to change.

However, if you feel like your therapist is pushing HER agenda over what's best for YOU and your kids, get a different therapist.

kathy a. said...

awards friday -- keep talking!

kathy a. said...

sarah -- from what i've heard of collaborative divorce, it offers a chance to work things out more rationally than ye olde mudslinging fight. worth considering.

but you have a legitimate beef with the therapist for pushing this so hard and not listening to what you need to talk about. if you tell her that and she is still not listening, definitely go shopping for another therapist. (which is another huge pain in the behind when you already have your share, thankyouverymuch.)

liz has a two really great points about joint custody: the kids really being involved with both parents as an upside -- and the potential downside of not being able to adjust to a better schedule as needs changed.

custody decisions and such are all supposed to be based on the best interests of the children. and -- those might change over time. a kid's particular needs might trump one parent's desires, too.

one bit you said -- that dad will come back from the apartment to visit -- confuses me a bit. is he proposing that you "share" custody by keeping the kids all the time, and half the days he will visit them in your house? (maybe i am totally misunderstanding this.) seems to me that it is hard enough to single-parent without also having to host the other parent, and thus having NO time off.

esperanza said...

AW? Just got told "you look so young to have two little kids." For the record, I am 37. Sweet is 4. Mini will be 2 next week. Also for the record, it was not said by some dirty old man. Also for the record, I feel like pook and am not particularly attractive today.

W: This tells you the average intelligence level of people in Our Town.

Sarah at ratatat said...

Esperanza - take the compliment! Yay!

Well, the custody issues are complicated. We were discussing 2-2-5-5, but my therapist rightly points out that 5 days away from mom for a 3 year old is probably too hard. We want to keep the kids at the house with my parents short and long term. (well, now up to a few years, I think). He and I will move in and out, rather than the kids. This seems like more hassle for us, but easier on them.

But for now, I can't afford an apartment so I am here all the time. My therapist had a good suggestion (she probably isn't wrong about anything, just a bit pushy) - we start w Mom and Dad days. So we can figure out the routine of caring for them in the evening. And relieve my mom's worry that she'll be doing it all on Dad days.

Liz - I proposed in essence your custody arrangement first, but it makes having the kids for a full weekend complicated, right? And I hope we can stay flexible.

Any thoughts, o wise pixies, on who would be a good expert who could help us come up with what the kids can handle, days apart wise? The general observation is they worry and flip out when I am gone for more than an evening. But I don't want to keep them from their dad.

Deep breaths. And thank you all.

kathy a. said...

omg, i forgot that your parents live with you! whole nother set of issues and people, too.

i kind of like the idea of not making the kids move back and forth. and i've actually heard of families who keep the kids in the house, and jointly rent an apartment elsewhere, rotating in and out. but that would take a good deal of trust, and good boundaries on private space -- don't know that i'd feel so trusting while going through a divorce.

kids are resilient, but 3 seems young to go very long without seeing a parent. maybe you can try a couple days on/off and see how the kids are doing, then figure out the longer-term logistics?

Sue said...

Oh Sarah, I'm so glad there are wise pixies here, because I am no help on this one at all. It just sounds stressful and heartbreaking. Sending good thoughts and lots of hugs.

AW: my sisters and BILs rock the catbox. We all attended a retirement party for Dad this evening. My step-monster was being her usual bizarre "It's all about me" self, and my sisters and I shut her down with the class and dignity that my Dad deserved and that our beloved Mother taught us.

W: Sunday marks 20 years since my Mom died. I still miss her every day. I still want to pick up the phone and tell her about a great book I've read. She left us too soon. I have no theological justification for such tragedy (it was cancer, plus a terrible medical error). I don't believe in a God that causes pain, fire-placing cancer, or anything that brings people grief. I believe in a God that sits in the muck and mess of the human condition. It's not perfect, but it works for me.

Sometimes there is no point in trying to make sense out of situations that will never make sense.

Esperanza- our eldest son turns 30 this year. I get that "No way!" response All. The. Time. I thought it might end when I let my hair turn its natural grey, but alas, I still look too young to have adult children. *sigh*

amy said...

@Sarah, thank you for letting the kids be a part of the process and for letting them know (within limits) what's going on. When my mom divorced my dad, I was 3. She never told me anything in advance, though they knew for a long time it was going to happen. I have a vivid snapshot of a memory of my dad's brother (a favorite uncle!) showing up to help him pack and leave. That's how I found out. I never saw my uncle again, and it was years before I saw my dad again. The wound and the feeling of betrayal go so deep, I am crying right now to write this. (It's neither here nor there, but the reason for not seeing him was, according to my mom, an issue of safety, though I'll never understand why supervised visits couldn't have happened. He was an alcoholic, but he wasn't abusive.)

My point is that right now, it is messy and ugly and sometimes sad and frustrating for the kids, especially the youngest, but by letting them go through this now with the adults in their lives acting as a safety net for their emotions, they will be MUCH better off in the long run. Many, many hugs to you and the kids. You will make it through this, and so will they.

liz said...

Sarah, I have heard of good outcomes from the arrangement you are trying. Consistency for the kids is awesome.

My parents worked out the weekend thing by just arranging with each other when they would like a) a whole weekend with my sister and me or b) a whole weekend WITHOUT my sister and me.

My father and stepmother also took longish vacations alone, and those were arranged without much angst (that I knew of).

A joint calendar on Google may be helpful.

And many many many hugs.

kathy a. said...

((( amy ))) such good advice. sorry it arose from such sadness.