This morning, my family is healthy if geographically distributed, and instead of my planned whine about the three illnesses in eight days that visited poor Snuggly Girl, and my nasty allergy attack (now subsided), and the husband who is out of town for two months, all I can do is whine about work. There's a lot! For several different "bosses"! And this morning, something that needed doing turned out to be urgent, and my password for the special site won't work.
It worked last week on a colleague's computer when his password wouldn't. We didn't figure out why his was failing, but mine worked and we got started. Now I need to download the stuff to a different computer and nothing, nada, no way to get in. I left a message for the client and I'm hoping she calls back before a different meeting I need to be in in 25 minutes, for a different project which has been neglected and is now urgent.
I try to maintain a healthy work-life balance, but this month both ends of the rope are pulling hard. I guess that keeps the balance steady, come to think of it. Hunh.
Share your whines and make mine seem insignificant! Or less funny! Or remind me that at least I don't have a pet that barks and pooks.
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Here's a non-work whine: Pouring rain. Didn't send kid in rain boots. I tend to whine about buying rain boots every time her feet grow when they get so little usage. Today? Woulda been a good day to use them. (And her class has to go out even if others don't, because their classroom is a portable. So "inside recess" for lunch still requires a commute.)
oy, work whines! computer whines! sickness! distance daddy! torrential rain! where are the frogs and locusts?
madeleine, hear ya on not wanting to buy items that will be outgrown next week. might a consignment store or thrift shop have what you need? [like you need more running around to do...] and/or, just pack spare sox tomorrow, so she can change if she feels too soggy.
Clarification: We did buy rain boots (and a bit on the big side to anticipate growth). We just forgot to USE THEM. The sun is now shining, though that won't "dry up all the rain" as quickly as the itsy-bitsy spider may have led us to believe.
Madeleine, there are some award worthy whines in there, for sure.
W: Sickly computer. I am perhaps the only person on the planet who never had a problem with Vista, but has weird troubles with Windows 7. Troubles that are not fixed by reinstalling the darn thing.
W: Pity party (on my part) regarding the need for SB's continuing therapies, her slooooow progress, etc. She is transitioning to school district services, as she has "graduated" from the early childhood program. Because...
AW: she turns three on Friday!
AW: Mini Baboo has made some good sleeping progress under Mama's tough love plan, just in time for interfering relatives to arrive on Thursday. Sigh.
go, mini! happy birthday, sweet! booooo on computer troubles -- passing the chocolate. and crossing fingers that all the Exciting! Relatives! do not mess much with the hard-earned sleep schedule. or turn your kitchen inside out. or whatever.
AW: daughter has applied for every on and off campus job she thinks she might be able to get. W/AW: many calls home about application questions.
AW, i think -- first day of class was yesterday, and daughter's very excited about a fiction writing class, has started a short story, but is worried about getting harsh feedback on peer review.
W: hot hot hot here. no A/C.
unbloggable work-related drama. sigh.
KathyA - Good luck for your daughter's job search. And No A/C, on purpose? Icky sticky either way. Good luck rising above the work drama.
Esperanza - That transition to the school programs is scary in my opinion. I hope yours is great (i.e. far better than ours was). And Happy birthday! And good luck with the relative invasion.
Madeleine - you had the rain boots but she just didn't have them on? Oh no. I hate that. And that sounds like the cherry on top of a crazy work week. Plus home challenges. All the best making your way through to Saturday.
Anti-whine - we leave on our mini vacation next Wednesday. (Texas here we come!)
Whine - the house our friend's are building, the one we arranged the trip to see and stay at, is not done. There are at least 20 things happening locally the weekend we are away. This trip is going to cost more than I expected and I don't know how to talk myself down from the ledge. We have to eat. We have to sleep in a hotel. We have to rent a car. I have to hide my anxiety so my 9 year old doesn't pick up too much (more) on it. she's just worrying about boredom and airplanes.
no AC on purpose -- normally it is not needed here. really.
sarah, i'd be tempted to reschedule for a time when things are more, um, settled. that's a big trip, and it's not like you don't already have a lot going on. but that's the kind of wimp i am.
Good whines all around Pixies - all award worthy.
Count me in on the work whineage. I've got a major case of work BLAH. I attended our fall meeting of Presbytery. It was actually not bad. I laughed, I cried, I ate casserole. You know - typical church meeting.
Still, I took today off (which I always do after a four day meeting of Presbytery. Seriously - me and 100 church people (even the ones I adore) is just bad chemistry. I need to cocoon for at least a day or two after its all done.
So - here I am - a deeply blessed person with a job I'm trained for and frankly, am pretty good at doing.....but I think about setting the alarm in the morning and walking into my office and all I can think is 'ugh'.
Wow. That feels really, really uber whiny. sorry pixies. maybe some sleep will help.
Anti-whine: (for Madeleine) We do have a pet that pooks and barks, however, she's very delicate and avoids the barks at all costs. She is, on the other hand, VERY thorough in the litter box. She covers up the pooks and tosses half the litter outside the box.
But she need not worry - she has people to clean up after her. ~sigh~
Sarah, I hate that runaway plans no turning back feeling. No turning back, I gather?
Sue, I hear you. There are some weeks...
Okay, so just when I decided this week was full of complete and utter suckage.....
MAJOR ANTI-WHINE: The family who experienced a still birth about 18 months ago just had a healthy little girl about an hour ago. Little Girl's Grandma called to let me know that everything went really well.
Keyboard's getting damp....happy tears will do that. Now I can't wait to go and visit them tomorrow.
Oh Sue, now I'm crying too.
Sarah--Texas?!?!? We're in Texas, I'm sure you'll be close by. *snort* We're not close to anything, but seriously, email me at texasesperanza @ hotmail.com if you're going to be somewhere in the southern half of the state.
Sweet Baboo's Official Meeting is tomorrow morning, first thing. Guess who can't go after all? Mr. E. Sigh. Just me and Mini at the meeting. It's possible that the early childhood coordinator will be there, but I won't know till I get there. So I'd call in some backup, but then I'd feel like it was overkill if there already *was* backup. Feeling quite grumbly at Mr. E tonight about this. Don't like feeling grumbly at him.
Overslept this morning. Got MM to school ten minutes late. Got to the parking lot at work and just sat in the car dreading going into work because I knew it would only go downhill from there.
W: My boss and his boss and his boss got into a shouting match with my co-worker.
AW: My co-worker's pretty sure he won that one.
Spouse took me out to dinner tonight and confessed that he's been lying to me and several other people for about 3 years now.
Also, I'm having a major flare-up--the kind that has taken months of overdoing it to build up and very well may take months to get over. Having trouble just getting up in the morning and taking care of the kids is about all I can manage most days.
I've been having to hire people who aren't used to being around animals to help take care of them, as it has been too much for me to handle.
They now have a usually-stress-induced illness that is often fatal, and we've lost two so far. Have been trying to find new homes for some of the animals, and have a couple of people lined up, but can't place sick animals or stress them out more by moving them.
Feel like I'm drowning.
Anonymous,
Sending lots of love for you in this terrible time. It sounds like you are working on solving the problems you can solve immediately, so that you can start taking better care of yourself.
xoxoxo
(((Anonymous)))
oh, anonymous, many hugs and much love.
Anonymous, I'm so very sorry. Sending pixie hugs.
(((( anonymous )))) many hugs, and what madeleine said.
my cluestick is available for your spouse. betrayal and deceit are very hard to take, even in a less intimate relationship. and it is not like you needed additional stress.
xoxoxo
AW: meeting went well, Mr. E's presence was not really necessary after all. My nerves were also, apparently, unnecessary. They won't be offering Sweet physical therapy or occupational therapy (she's only a teensy bit behind) because she is too smart to qualify for the all-day special-ed pre-K. They will be providing her *twice a week* speech therapy. That is more than we had even been led to expect, much less hope for.
W: my sweet little Sweet Baboo really and truly needs twice a week speech therapy.
Mama is off to search out other pt and ot options and fight with the insurance company. How fun does that sound?
yay, esperanza and sweet baboo! my daughter had speech therapy weekly when she was about 4, and it really worked wonders. best with the pt and ot.
esperanza, good luck with the insurance companies. A blogger I read (apt11d.com) has written about year-long frustrating attempts to get reimbursed for her son's therapy. I hope your path is much, much easier.
Congrats on having such a Smart Baboo!
Thanks, all . . . the conversation keeps echoing in my head.
"Where do you want to go for dinner tonight?"
"This isn't going to be a fun date. There's something I need to tell you."
Three years. Three years. Three years.
Insurance Companies *spits* - multiple clue-sticking to the lot of them. Esperanza, wishing you an easier ride with the insurance demons than we've had at our house.
Anti-whine: I got to cuddle with a fresh-out-of-the-momma baby today! Oh that sweet sweet smell of baby necks. They should bottle that....
Seriously, I was standing with the babe and found myself automatically swaying slightly back and forth like I had done it yesterday. My sons are close to 30. You never lose that Momma mojo I suppose.
On the other hand, I have to confess that I have caught myself holding a ten pound bag of potatoes in the check-out line at the veggie market doing the same rocking motion... but that's just embarrassing.
As is so very much of my every day life. Srsly. I would make for a good sit-com.
((( anonymous ))) definitely calling out the posse. three fireplacing years does not sound like a small lapse, not if it's echoing in your head like that. xoxoxo
Sympathy for Anonymous. What a horror.
Yay Esperanza! Twice a week speech is great. The vastness of Texas amazes me. I don't think we're going anywhere that qualifies as south, but I'll check.
Sue - baby necks, awwww.
KathyA and Madeleine - the costs of turning back on the trip seem too high (fireplacing airline change fees) There are a few more reasons, chiefly that my husband wants to go no matter what. I just fear turning into the Wild Witch of (north) Texas saying No, No, No...
So sorry anonymous! That is so hard.
Cherry menthol cough drops
Make coffee taste awful
Take my appetite away
And don't stop my coughing
So why am I using them?
Because with them I sound
Like a pack-a-day smoker
Without them I sound like I
Smoke two packs a day
Liz for style! Liz for style!!
(sorry about the ick-fest.)
Liz, so sorry the allergies are continuing to make you miserable. We're feeling the ick, here, too. And My Love, who is in the Rocky Mountain region, has not had the relief he was hoping for. Constant sniffing into a mic sounds pretty gross over Skype, if I may make this all about MEEEEEEE!
Here are my Thursday morning whines: Garbage and school bus. Early, late, who knows what, just too much excitement over stupid things. Ahem. Moving on now. Or I would be moving on, if the bus company would call me back to explain why they changed the schedule and informed nobody.
seconding liz for style!
oy, madeliene! how can they change the schedule!!!
my lovely evening fog came back last night, and it is still here. yay! between the broken internal thermostat and the heat, it has not been pretty.
I got the bright idea to re-read the letter about the school buses that arrived in August, and it says the school is supposed to inform us of any changes. So I called the school, who say they got some change info but it is supposed to take effect next week. Sigh. So, says the secretary, expect the bus at the usual time tomorrow. As if. We'll be out there early, waiting, and then the bus will be later than usual and my whiny kid will go through the roof.
Out of one cold and into another. It's like a constant creeping crud fest here. Bonus: mystery infestation of fruit flies in the kitchen, as we've all been too sick lately to feel up to cleaning.
Sue -- I am SO happy for that family. I remember that it was hard for me, though on a smaller scale, when Tater was born. His birth and early days were so much easier and less dramatic than the Tot's. I recall spending some quiet moments reflecting on why it ever has to be hard and how incredible it can be when it is not hard. The bittersweetness was definitely fueled by post-partum hormones, but it was there.
Anonymous, I just want to cry. I'm hoping you get some relief from all of the heartache and stress and illness soon. <3
Thanks, all . . . it is not too dire, really. We've been having some good talks and finding some good resources to help work through this.
AW: my kids. And smiling at Sue's post about baby necks.
Awards delayed until this evening. That pesky day job.
Anonymous, your ability to remain positive while facing adversity is inspiring. Sending more hugs, though, because those usually come in handy no matter what.
Back for one last anti-whine. Just paid off the wad of student loans taken for offspring. Woot! One less albatross! Happy dance!
I struggled to get through school without parental support; it is a ironic that the difficult grandparent who cared nothing for my kids ended up supporting their higher education, albeit posthumously. Maybe it's some kind of karma thing.
So, if anyone was wondering what I'd do if I won the lottery, there you have it. Crazy!
Grateful to the kind pixies who put up with me venting family angst over past months. That chapter is well and truly over.
Funny thing is that I've sensed for a long time that there was something wrong, and having the truth come out has been in some ways a relief and a validation.
In this case it's not an issue that's going to be marriage-ending or affects anyone's physical safety. It hurts, and there are some things that could take a long time to work through, and of course it will take time and proof to rebuild trust. But it could be a lot worse.
anonymous -- good it's not that drastic. still sending hugs and love. i'm a cautious type, though, and hope you take whatever measures are needed to protect your own health first ["put on your own oxygen mask before helping others"] and also keep a margin of safety for you and the kids, just in case. that trust does need to be earned again.
Anonymous, I echo what kathy just said.
As a part of reconciliation, can you make sure you know where all your family's assets are? In whose name are they? Can you set up the accounts to require two signatures on all transfers over X dollars in Y timespan? (Paranoid? Perhaps. I've seen too many instances of cleared-out accounts)
Are all your legal documents up-to-date? Where are they?
I believe that you and your husband will come out of this as a stronger couple, but it is sometimes a good thing to make it clear that lost trust has consequences beyond the area in which the lie occurred.
Hmmm, interesting thoughts.
Liz, when you say legal documents, what are you referring to? Home/car ownership stuff, bank account info, marriage license, birth certificates, etc? Wills (we don't actually have them--although we do have written statements signed by a witness)?
What else would I need to think about?
I am thinking of asking for a polygraph to make sure that I'm being told the whole truth now (some things like being gone until 3AM without answering phone, but still claiming he was at work, working) but am debating whether it's worth the $500, or if there's a better place to get the testing and evaluation (including that) which has been recommended.
Wills. Health Care Proxies, if you have them. Definitely bank accounts, mortgage, retirement accounts. Yes, deeds to car/house.
In NY and VA, wills are valid if written in your own handwriting and witnessed. I don't know if that's the case in your state.
I would rely more on cast-iron legal documents and double-signature requirements on accounts than on a poly. Easier to do, first of all. I mean, how would you go about getting someone to administer one?
don't waste your money on a polygraph. they aren't even admissible in court.
you need to know where all the bank accounts, other accounts are, and deeds. you might want to check all the bank statements for unexpected activity.
i'd suggest a legal consultation -- the first one is usually free or low cost, but try to find someone reasonably experienced, preferably recommended by a friend, and do a google.
to find out more about laws in your state, check findlaw.com. the site should be able to tell you the minimum needed for valid wills in your state --and also the basics of family law matters.
oh, get copies of all documents, or at least account numbers, and keep them in a safe place. just in case.
If you have energy, take a look at your last few years of credit card statements.
Make sure that you have at least one credit card that is in your name alone, and if you have joint cards otherwise, you may want to remove your name from all but one joint card (and let that one be the lowest credit limit one).
liz is good.
also, not to be a grump -- but he set up this "confession," and the chances are that he spun things in a way that is relatively positive for him. expect some more details to emerge. seriously, 3 a.m. and unreachable?
i really lean in favor of copying all the paper you can get your hands on, and stashing it safely.
Remember that he's been lying for 3 years. Set up safeguards and keep them in place for at least as long as 3 years. He may complain that you are punishing him too harshly, but remind him it takes time to rebuild trust and that you would be foolish to trust him again too quickly.
And give yourself permission to be angry. You are allowed to be angry. And sad. And happy that it wasn't your imagination. And all the conflicted feelings you may feel.
Thanks, all. Sigh.
The 3AM/unreachable thing was a one-time thing when he left upset and was gone for a few hours, not a regular occurrence. But, yes, at this point I probably need to assume, as another friend said, that if his mouth is moving there's a high likelihood he's lying.
Oh Anonymous, how awful. I'm glad you have the excellent counsel of Liz and Kathy.
The only thing I would add, and I hate to sound negative - but is there any chance that this confession and the beginning of building a new relationship could lead to violence? If so, you need not only all the copies of paper work and access to all of your money accounts, but you may also need an escape plan.
For most women this involves the important papers, a set of car keys, a few hundred dollars in cash, a change of clothes or two, and a good friend who will take you in at any hour of the night or day.
Just a thought. Of course, the hope is that you would never have to use it.
Thanks, Sue . . . no worries about violence here. He tends to internalize and withdraw when angry rather than explode. I can count on one hand the times he's even raised his voice at me. He's probably one of the least violent, most gentle people ever. But it's not a bad idea to have those things together anyway, and for the kids too.
I can think of a few scenarios where it could come in useful--and if nothing else it's always a good idea to be prepared in case of something like a fire or flood.
. . . and also this isn't the first time we've dealt with this issue (although exactly not this way, and without the 3 years of deception). So I do have some resources and a support network in place. Even though it's been many years since we last dealt with it, and I was hoping it would never be something we had to significantly deal with again, I'm neither completely surprised nor completely unprepared. And, I'm doing surprisingly OK emotionally at this point. Thanks to all of you, too.
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