Thursday, August 9, 2007

Awards: Heatwave Edition

Oh, whiners, have we got awards for you! Pull a chaise up on the verandah, and snag a passing waiter (or cabana boy, whatever your preference might be) for a drink and some dainty sammiches.

This week, we have many people vying for Whines of Substance!

* Sheila's ongoing battle with a moldy basement, allergic family members, firing toxic employees, tax woes, and potential eye surgery. Lord, Fates, or whomever is up there mucking around with stuff -- cut Sheila a break all-damn-ready!

* Margalit and her angry son, being attacked on her own blog, prickly heat, a demented attack cat, and disappearing blog job. One of these things alone is enough to fell most people, so Margalit, you have our enduring sympathy and wishes for all anti-whines for you in the future. Big hugs and congrats on your daughter's excellent visit to the hospital.

* Liz and the death of her grandfather. We're so sorry. I hope he went without pain. And I'm glad that you were able to be there with your family. Many pixie hugs heading your way.

Style Award: By popular vote, and for sheer cojones by all parties involved, Yankee Transplant sweeps the category with her sonnet to screwing. YT, you have the sympathy of all the parents (current and to-be) in the ballroom. It's not a funny situation, but you took something so fraught with parental landmines and turned it to gold here. You win a Lifetime Achievement Award for Style and a bathtub full of the liquor of your choice in order to make it through. And the ever-loving support of the pixies. Bitch if you want, baby. We got your back.

The Old Skool Awards this week go to:

* Kate/One Tired Ema for having "Jenny from the Block" stuck in her head. Isn't that considered cruel and unusual punishment? I heard that the gubmint was thinking of using that as a torture technique.


*Andy, who can't play video games anymore. He also must be getting a crowded mantel from all the Old Skool statuettes. Andy, does a little black rain cloud follow you, and just cosmically screw with you all day?

"Elevated Risk of Mullet" Award for funniest use of language:

Lisa V. wins a solid gold purse liner for her upcoming dog purchase. And, if you go with the glasses, make sure to grab the JackieO-esque frames. Part of the package, dontcha know?

The one-time awards, suggested by our wonderful whiners are as follows:

Trillwing gets a "Sounds Like Something I'd Do" nod from Jeni for breaking her nose. Ouch! Poor Trillwing. Pass the ice! Get better soon, and watch those doors! Those bastards have the habit of just jumping out in front of you!

The "Doublemint Mazel Tov" goes to Uccellina who is expecting twins! Here's where we all break into a Kermit the Frog moment, and shout "yaaaaaayyyy!" for Uccellina. May your pregnancy be easy and without complication; may your babies be beautiful and blessed, and may you always be as happy as you are right now. Best wishes from all the whiners. It couldn't have happened to a nicer person.

I hereby award a "Lawn Maintenance Avada Kedavra Spell" to Dr. Corndog. On second thought, you may not want to magic the grass into flaming death just yet. Let it grow a bit more, and hide the lightsabers in a far corner. When the boys go searching for them, hope jungle animals kidnap the younglings to raise as their own. Hey -- it could happen!

Turtlebella gets a "Voodoo Fertility Ritual Dance" just for the sake of completion. Covering all the bases. Everyone's rooting for you, Turtlebella. We're all hoping for you to soon be as fertile as the Napa Valley.

To all, thank you for whining along with the rest of us. It makes us look less needy if we all whine en masse.) All of your whines are worthy, and I raise my glass in your honor. Now, if you'll pardon me, I have to go hunt down the guy with the mini-cheesecakes. Until next week, when the utterly divine Liz will be hosting the Whiner's Ball!