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Monday, November 18, 2013

Gratitude and grumbles

My intertubes have conveniently provided a new skool complaint:  ye olde main email is out.  Again.  The gratitudinous flip-side is that just a couple decades ago, I could not have imagined the joys of instant connections with the rest of the planet, anytime I want.  I had email then, but at home it was dial-up.  The connection went kaflooey if we had an incoming call. 

Stop me before I start in on cell phones.

This week is inducing a lot of reflection.  It is 50 years since JFK was assasinated; I was six, and I did not know how it was possible for the president to die. The nation ground to a halt; the most comparable event in my kids' lives was 9/11 -- which was also so inexplicable and horrifying.  I am grateful that such things happen rarely in this part of the world; and wish that thousands of other things were not (nowadays) reported as if they were of that magnitude.  Perspective, people.

Kitchen report:  enchiladas are really messy to make!  But, mmmm.

Wildlife report:  The dog got really spoiled when everybody came over for pie on Friday, and she thinks she prefers to be a free-range indoor dog full-time.  (Not happening.  There are rules.)

What's happening in your corner of the universe?

94 comments:

kathy a. said...

It is funny, reflecting on things so long ago. I could not imagine being my current age; but am grateful to have achieved it.

The darned dog is more persistent than estimated -- it's a little overcast and in the 50's, so she ran around scratching doors and the wall below my window, and crying like she was going to die of freezing and/or a broken heart. Well, our former family room is now the "dog room," so she can curl up there without wreaking havoc with the felines and triggering my allergy.

Liz said...

Starbucks hummus is severely lacking in flavor.

kathy a. said...

And probably overpriced, too.

Queen of West Procrastination said...

Snuggling a runny-nosed baby. My own nose and throat are feeling funny. Oh boy: I can see where this week is headed.

W: so undecided: do we still go for our flu shots tonight or not? She doesn't have a fever, but I hate to take a sick baby to sneeze all over the waiting room.

AW: Beloved Local Football Team just made it to the national final, in a year when we were already hosting the game! Mr. Q and his parents already had tickets to go (they figured they might as well go, regardless of who was playing, just for the fun of being at the Big Game), and so now we aren't madly trying to track down marked-up tickets online! Anti-whines all around!

Petty AW: I am thankful that we will not be playing against Notorious Mayor's favourite team. That would have been awkward.

Queen of West Procrastination said...

Oh! Speaking of hummus: chickpea soup. 1 can chickpeas, about half as much carrots, 2c chicken broth (or veggie broth, or water), some onion and garlic. Cook for half an hour, puree, and add cumin, curry, maybe a squeeze of lemon, or maybe a touch of some kind of hot sauce.

Heaven. Much better than chicken noodle soup, when I have a cold. E liked it too (I dished some it pre-spices).

kathy a. said...

Hooray for everybody who wants to go having tickets! And for notorious mayor's team laying low this year.

You'll need to go with your gut on the flu shots; but for what it's worth, a snuffleupagous is not wildly out of place in a doctor's office, and it's best to avoid having a miserable wee one with flu. The soup sounds wonderful!

Liz said...

Get the shots. I'm going for mine tomorrow after my dentist appointment.

And I've just emailed myself your soup recipe. That sounds AWESOME.

Miranda said...

QWP, I have all those ingredients and that sounds very lovely. Lunch for the week has been solved. :)

Work is hard right now. I get recognized for said hard work but I am tired of feeling like it's me against the universe.

Family Member has to appear in court on Thursday. I probably should go, right? Even though it will be awful?

AW: Tween Son, of the I-HATE-ORGANIZED-ACTIVITIES vintage, has a pretty hefty speaking role in the school play this weekend AND turns 12. He is such an amazing kid and theater is giving him confidence.

kathy a. said...

((( Miranda ))) It is always good for family to be there. Whatever is going on, you can't control; but everybody needs someone to stand by them, even in the worst times. [Not saying you need to sign on to anything except being there.]

Go, Tween Son!

esperanza said...

Oh, Miranda, sorry for the work stuff. And the court stuff. Speech/Theater was part of my coming-out-of-my-shell process, when I was about that age. So glad he's found his spot.

W: Mini sat in fire ants (if you know not what they are, g00gle and count yourself blessed) yesterday and has bites all over her little self. Also mosquito bites. And the eczema. She's pretty much one big itch, and something has set off her nasal allergies too.

AW: (sshhh, don't say this out loud): neither Baboo has been sick since school started. Only allergies for Mini and nothing for Sweet. Could we finally have reached the "built up immune system" point?

W: also, freaky weather. Close to 90 degrees yesterday.

W: I vacuumed my car today. It took an hour, which doesn't sound so bad till I reveal that it's a Prius. Disgusting.

AW: clean car on the inside, at least temporarily.

Queen of West Procrastination said...

By the way: the two cups of liquid make a thick soup, so adjust according to your preferences.

The flu shot clinic is back on Thursday, and so we'll go then, because when Mr. Q got home today, E was disgustingly spray-sneezing everywhere, and also screaming about her plugged nose. If it had just been a runny nose, we would have gone today, but I didn't want her sneezing on all the kids and seniors getting their shots. She'll still get it, but she'll be delayed by a couple of days.

(((Miranda))) I'm sorry you have to deal with this awfulness of having a family member in court. Kathy a had good advice.

Hooray for Tween Son!

Esperanza: oof! I have sympathy itchiness on Mini's behalf.

kathy a. said...

I don't even know what to say about sitting in fire ants. You'd need to sedate me, probably, if that happened to me or a kid.

Queen of West Procrastination said...

I'm still shuddering about the fire ants.

Big AW: TWO special packages arrived in the mail today: a whole case of loose teas from my favourite store in Old Island Home,* and a gorgeous quilt for E, made by a friend from grad school! This thing is ridiculously beautiful; she had it on display at a quilt she first, and then sent it to E.

Feeling thankful tonight (after a day full of sobbing and clingy stuffy-nosed toddler).

* I swear it's not all for me! They had a free shipping deal, if you bought any of their holiday tea, and so my sister ordered some, and a friend and I tacked our own orders onto hers, and had it shipped here.

Queen of West Procrastination said...

"Quilt show", not "she."

Sue said...

I was four when JFK was assassinated. I have a fuzzy memory of my Mom watching the coverage on a tiny black and white tv. So sad.

QWP: sorry about the snot-fest. Poor baby E! Poor mama! Yay about the game tickets. I'm GREEN with envy! Ha. I will be cheering for your team.

esperanza I don't even know what to say about fire ants. *shudder*

((((Miranda))))) sorry about the work struggles and the court stuff. It's good to have family around when life is so perfectly dreadful. Still, tough one for you.

W: tie-tie. Today should have been a day off, but.....not so much. Ugh. Board meeting was scheduled on my day off and they don't have quorum unless I'm there, so I went. Because, job, mortgage, gotta make a living etc.

Worst part is when they set the meeting I told them it was my day off. They said "Sorry Sue" a few times but did not change it.

AW: I'm off tomorrow - all day, all evening, dang it.

Liz said...

Sue, may i suggest a little tough love? At the meeting today, tell them you would appreciate it if they would not schedule these meetings on your day off.

then, when they do it again, say you already have out of town plans.

esperanza said...

Blech, Sue.

Re: fire ants...well, when you are only 3, you have the freedom (or your mama does) to strip your shorts and underwear right off to get as many ants off as possible. Yes, right in front of God and everybody. She still has a whole bunch of bites, but none that are in *too* sensitive a spot. I'm keeping an eye on them, though i don't know that there's anything to be done about them.

Queen of West Procrastination said...

Oh, three year olds. :-)

Sue, I would do exactly as Liz said. Even my honest-to-a-fault father was driven to that, when dealing with a manager who wouldn't respect his boundaries. (Of course, that was during pre-cell phone and social media days.)

Liz said...

A friend of mine (not a close friend, but a friend nonetheless), is in the news today. His son, who was given a psych eval yesterday, was released instead of hospitalized because there were no psych beds to be found in their region of Virginia.
Whereupon, this morning, my friend's son stabbed my friend multiple times and shot himself. My friend is alive. His son is dead.

I hate this fireplacing state and its fireplacing horrible healthcare system.

My friend is a fireplacing elected official. He ran for fireplacing guvnor 4 years ago. His son couldn't get a fireplacing bed in a fireplacing psych ward. FURY. FURY.

kathy a. said...

Oh my god, Liz. This is horrifying. I am so very sorry about your friend and his very ill son. There just aren't words.... xoxoox

The difficulty finding appropriate psychiatric care is truly a national problem -- not just in your state. (The legal mechanisms around involuntary hospitalization can also be extremely challenging.) I'm encouraged that parity for mental health treatment coverage is seriously moving ahead, but that does not solve the bed shortage.

Las Angeles county jail is the nation's largest psychiatric treatment facility. That says something messed up about our approach.

esperanza said...

Oh, Liz, how awful. I'm so sorry...for every thing that failed to help in that situation.

kathy a. said...

I am sorry for rambling on. This is a topic of great interest to me. We have had family members in psychiatric crisis; I'm betting that is true in many other families. It can happen in any family; it can happen to people from all sorts of backgrounds.

Queen of West Procrastination said...

(((Liz))) I read about it in the news and came right here, out of suspicion that you knew them. I'm so sorry. It's all so messed up and broken.

(FWIW, mental health care can be messed up and broken here too. A remarkable similar situation happened here with a friend's cousin and uncle.)

Liz said...

Thank you everyone. I'm just so angry that this could have been prevented. His son would be alive today if they had found a space for him yesterday. When even the powerful and connected can't get health care for their kids, what hope is there for the rest of us? We need to put money into prevention. We need to make mental health care a priority. We need to tax the fireplacing rich and start actually funding things.

Liz said...

And QWP, I'm so sorry for your friend's family. Sending hugs.

kathy a. said...

You said it, Liz. xoxo

Sue said...

((((((Liz)))))) I'm so sorry. It's such a tragedy.

Sorry about your friend's relative QWP. This situation happens far too often.

Liz, you're right, prevention is the answer.

W: I was very firm at last night's meeting about how difficult Minday meetings are. My words "I cannot be at Monday night meetings." No apology no waffling - guess when next month's meeting is?

Fireplace.

W: my day off today was over by 9:15 this morning. Hospital call for someone in our congregation who is dying. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and go, but dammit, my next hope for a day off is next Monday.

Fireplace. Fireplace. Fireplace .

esperanza said...

Oh, Sue. Hugs. I know.

liz said...

(((Sue))).

kathy a. said...

((( Sue )))

Anonymous said...

(((liz)))
(((sue)))

--Neighbor lady

Queen of West Procrastination said...

So many hugs all around. What a week.

Small whines: E's cold has hit me now, and so we're here sick together. Taking care of a sick baby (who I suspect is starting to get better, because she's been very rascally this morning) while you are sick is terrible. And then, just as Mr. Q was about to leave to catch his bus, he mentioned that he suspected that part of my wedding ring had fallen into a garbage can full of kleenex! At that point I started crying.

AW: Mr. Q took our car to Euro, so that he could stay here and go through piles of kleenex, and found my wedding ring.

kathy a. said...

Oh, QWP! I'm sorry for giggling, but the image of your beloved and the mountain of kleenex is a little funny. Also, he's definitely a keeper.

Queen of West Procrastination said...

Work, but Euro! My phone is weird.

esperanza said...

I am in awe of Mr. Q...a husband who (a) knows when *and* where something important might have been lost and (b) will look for and find it. Ahem. My own hubby is not gifted in the "finding it" department. Hope you feel better soon, and that Mr Q washed his hands thoroughly! Definitely a keeper. (And I'm glad he didn't drive your car to Europe. That seems a bit drastic!)

Sue said...

Mr. Q is definitely a keeper!! So sweet to look through the kleenex for your ring!

kathy a. said...

This is an interesting post on the last regrets of those who haven't long left. e.g., 1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. It's possible to go overboard with the concept of true to self -- we need to work with and respect others; the universe is not all about me me me -- but it seems to me that a regular topic in this place is other people's unreasonable expectations about / demands concerning us, or those close to us.

esperanza said...

First world whine/question:
I am attempting to work at the public library this morning. I have my laptop (the new, cute one), my books, pen and paper, silenced phone. I know other people work all the time in public places (starbux, p@ner@, wherever).

So my question: now, I need to go potty. I know I don't have to pack up all my stuff, but I don't feel comfortable leaving new cute laptop sitting here. But it is a pain to tote it to the restroom. What is a hardworking girl to do?

Liz said...

Take it with you. Regrets are more painful.

esperanza said...

I did.

kathy a. said...

Good. The right choice.

esperanza said...

And I apologize for saying "go potty." The perils of being the preschoolers' mama.

On that subject, I'm not sure if this is a W or AW: Sweet *loves* non-usual potties...port-a-potties, outhouses, etc. Something about them intrigues her, but I have no idea. Handy when we have to use one, but weird.

Sue said...

So true kathy a - the tough part is finding the balance between being true to self and meeting reasonable expectations. The expectations that are so unreasonable they make you want to scream - those fall into the "bite me" category some days. Like today for example. Oy.

Wow. I'm grumpy.

W: Vertigo. Not horrendous yet, but enough to make me feel spinny and nauseous. Book group meets in just over an hour so it's too late to cancel. The problem is, if I take even half a gr@vol, it will help with the spins but I will be super drowsy for book study. Bleh.

kathy a. said...

Oh, Sue. Well, you're human, and a bit drowsy is better than spinny/barfy, no? Find someone to take up the slack during discussion. Or more than one someone. You can do that sneakily by asking anyone with a decent comment to respond to anything that's peculiar or troubling.

Esperanza -- see, Sweet sees herself as a pioneer can-do girl! So that's definitely an AW.

One of my father's favorite potty stories about me (the other involved the time I mistook his typewriter for the kiddie potty, which he told all the other parents in the freshman dorm) was when they took me to Disneyland, age 2, circa 1959. The attraction I loved the very best was the kid-sized toilets! Which, you have to admit, was pretty amazing; and alas, that attraction disappeared in time.

esperanza said...

The whine part of it is that she likes to use them repeatedly, even when she doesn't need to go. Say at home, she goes 4-5 times a day. At the place with the outhouse, she went 4-5 times in two hours.

kathy a. said...

Passing the hand sanitizer. There there. It won't always be like this.

Anonymous said...

There must be some law of the universe about conservation of potty use. Because while mini will go 4-5 times in a port-a-potty, my daughter will not use them AT ALL. It's like the pee just gets sucked back up inside her when she tries to go in one. So, I guess it all evens out in the end....
:)
Neighbor Lady

Liz said...

Aunt Flo is here. Again. 21 days from last appearance.

She used to come every 30 days like clockwork. Then, you may remember last year, she came on schedule on Sept 1. And then arrived again on Sept 25. October 18. NOVEMBER 2.

Since then I've been keeping track. She's been arriving on average every 23 days. Mean. Median. Mode. All 23 days.

BUT. We've got a high of 34 days and a low of 15. We're not happy about this, people. Not happy AT ALL.

Menopause can not come soon enough for me.

esperanza said...

Law of Pee Conservation is pretty darn funny, NL, unless you're the person trying to get your kid to pee, I guess.

Sorry, Liz. The unpredictability of it all must be maddening, to say the least.

kathy a. said...

NL is definitely a contender with the Law of Pee Conservation!

Bleah, Liz. It's frustrating, and that "everybody's different; you're OK!" answer from the doctor only goes so far. I mean, the doc doesn't have to worry about flooding while trapped in an endless work meeting (so far as we know).

esperanza said...

AW: Somewhat Local Friend got a wonderful, perfect-for-her job.
W: yep, it is not local. Sad face for me.

Sue said...

Good advice on the book group front. I took the anti-barfage medication and yes, I was dopey. My retired colleague/friend is part of the group and she graciously offered to lead today. She did a great job. I went home immediately after group and slept for an hour or so.

AW: The spinny is a migraine/pre-migraine symptom, but the pain phase didn't materialize because of special magic migraine abortive med.

Liz - I went through the same thing many moons ago. I always felt like I was a crime-scene waiting to happen. This was especially disturbing on Sunday mornings in an ivory coloured robe. I had an endometrial ablation in 2006 and have not been visited by Aunt Flo since.

esperanza said...

"special magic migraine abortive med"--where has this been all your life? It really works? That's wonderful!

And hooray for colleague/friends and naps.

kathy a. said...

Esperanza, great about your friend's job, but sorry about the distance this will apparently put between you.

Sue, glad bookclub went ok. And yay meds.

Liz said...

Sue, could there be a connection between the fact that you did not have a day off this week, and the arrival of migraine symptoms?

I'm looking back at the last three weeks of posts and seeing that you are mediating between adults who should know better; working to avoid being the hypotenuse between adults who should know better; having adults who should know better scheduling meetings you're required to be at on your day off (after you telling them it's your day off!), and etc.

This isn't counting other stuff that no human has any control over.

I think you may need to alert people at your church that you need back up, because they are asking too much.

Liz said...

W: Co-worker is aggressively over-perfumed. Giving me a headache (not a Sue type headache, but very sinusy).

kathy a. said...

Sue, I hope you are feeling better. Hope you can delegate some of the stuff. And those people with the meetings -- out of the whole month, they have to pick the one day of the week that you have off? That's really not acceptable.

As noted, there are events requiring you to work despite a day off -- people get sick, people die -- and you have to put those people first. You can't really delegate pastoral counseling, I imagine -- at least not in the initial crisis. You can't delegate sermons or planning, or the study to lead the congregation. And for oversight of the congregation, those decisions need to include you. It adds up.

And you are human. You know you need some time for self-care; and you know that is an important part of keeping the debilitating headaches under control. And -- your family has needs as well.

Oy, Liz. I thought everybody had gotten the memo by now, that lavish scents are not friendly to others. Cluesticks!

Liz said...

And now I'm feeling bad that I'm implying it's stress-related when I know that's not the solution for your headaches...

I guess what I'm seeing is a lack of caring about the pastor's pastoral needs from your flock. And that is just pissing me right the fireplace off. You took medical leave for a while for this problem and they are still scheduling shit that could be scheduled other days on your days off.

They still don't have a building your husband can enter, and they don't respect your time off which should be time for him and you to be together, since he sure as heck can't come to your place of work.

I'm pissed on your behalf, is what I'm saying.

Liz said...

Hand me a cluestick, I'm heading up to Canada.

Sue said...

Liz, don't feel badly at all re: stress and migraine connection. As my Wonderful Pain Doc in the city with the as@hat mayor says, "Stress does not cause migraine, but it sure doesn't help."

As for the special magic migraine-abortive med ..... it's amazing when it works, which is about 40% of the time for me. It is a triptan which is the only med on the market specifically for migraine. Everything else is a drug intended to treat something else that just happens to help some symptoms of migraine. In other words, no research funding.

When it works, it's gold.

Yesterday's pain party is DEFINITELY related to having no day off this week, people behaving like idiots, sleepless nights of worrying about hubby, and just too much to do. Gah.

By all means, send Ralph and a cluestick posse. Quickly!!

I delegated a visit to the hospital today to someone in the congregation who has visited this couple in their home for years. Yay for delegating!

Long post, sorry.

Liz said...

Never be sorry for long posts.

YAY Delegation!!! Yay Triptan!!!

And thank you for being okay with me not being okay with what's going on for you.

kathy a. said...

Liz -- I'm virtually slapping your face with soft pixie gloves, for that last apology. ;)

Sue -- Yay, delegation! And triptan! The posse is on its way, and Certain People had better watch out, because Liz has taken notes.

AW: I finally got paid for a bundle of work over some years, and the check is the vast majority of my income this year. Which is why there is a L00ney T00nes cartoon running in my head: "I'm rich!" accompanied by evil laughter and tossing of gold coins. HA! We're celebrating with taco night, since there are still considerable tortillas left from enchilada night. ;)

Queen of West Procrastination said...

Mullet nomination for the imagery in Liz's "Hand me a cluestick, I'm heading up to Canada."

And serious cluesticks are in order, for congregants who don't recognize Sue's boundaries and needs.

Sue, I'm so glad that delegating happened today. And I'm happy that you have a triptan that works for you (40% of the time); my sister is on a wafer that is pretty effective for her, so long as she recognizes the symptoms and takes a wafer early enough (and so long as teenaged boys don't decide that "Don't wear perfumes because they make Miss C sick" means a LITTLE cologne is okay).

Whine within anti-whines: I'm thankful for reversible yoga pants that can be turned inside out when you're to sick to do laundry all week, and for my mother's ability to come hold a sick baby two afternoons in a row, because I'm too weak to hold her for very long.

It's just a cold, but it is currently kicking both of our butts.

Liz said...

Hooray for being paid!!!!

Hooray for yoga pants! Hooray for mommy's mommy!

Boo to being sick. Can mommy's mommy run a load?

Sue said...

A double BOO!!! for stinky cologne wherever it turns up. Seriously, don't people know how awful that stuff is???

Hooray kathy a for big paycheck!! Virtual dinner is on you this week. I'm up for sushi - how about you?

QWP - feel better soon, 'kay? Those yoga pants are brilliant, and so is your Mom. Yay for Mom!

kathy a. said...

The universe will slap you anyway: SIL called because I need to go up there right away and move her to an apartment near our house, and also she wants more former pets back than she actually had in the first place. Well, then.

I think she's upset because the hairdresser is not at her memory care unit today. With luck, tomorrow!

My beloved is a saint.

kathy a. said...

So, I am grateful that my SIL is in a safe place, with people to care for her, and that the current crazy is way better than the old crazy. Her pets have been in good new homes for 7+ months now, and I am grateful for those who stepped forward for the furry ones. Grateful for the doctors, lawyers, nurses, social workers, and caretakers along this journey; and also that the big problems of finding appropriate care and getting assistance to pay for it are mostly worked out.

liz said...

Oh ((((Kathy)))) thank goodness these calls are less frequent than they used to be

Sue said...

((((Kathy))))

Anonymous said...

((((kathy))))
Neighbor Lady

kathy a. said...

AW: A sneaky plot to honor a beloved colleague who is ill -- totally falling into place! This is one of my favorite sneaky plots. ;)

Thanks for the hugs about SIL -- now and all the other times. Things really are so much calmer! But bubbling currently are also problems with past unfiled tax returns, medicaid payments to the facility, the child support payment for her son that went missing this month, what to do with all her stuff in storage (that we pay for, because she has no funds), and whether the current meds are making her too zombie-like. Each is solvable! But not easily, and not all at once.

Queen of West Procrastination said...

Hooray for nice, sneaky plans!

So many hugs about the SIL situation.

AW: My fever has broken, and my in-laws are here to take care of E today. Still sick but so thankful.

kathy a. said...

Yay, inlaws! Yay for the fever breaking!

Miranda said...

Well, since we last spoke, I've gotten high reviews for general professional awesomeness. My youngest turned 12 and has a relatively small but very important role in the school play. The beginning drags until he comes out on stage and he sparkles up there. As I explained to him last night, I would have thought he did great even if I weren't his mother. That was important to him since everyone knows that moms always think their kids are smart/funny/the best thus rendering their opinions unreliable. He has excellent comedic timing and knows how to nail his lines. Two of my besties are coming to watch him tonight and are bringing his bestie. They are actual (community) theater people and I'm excited to show off my son (and their adopted nephew). Another bestie and her dad (who she cares for since he has dementia) came last night and enjoyed themselves. I am

Family Member's day in court was troubling. This year may well be called, 2013: It Was the Best of Times; the Worst of Times

kathy a. said...

(((( Miranda )))) So glad that your youngest has this chance to shine! And that you are well loved for general awesomeness!

Very sorry about the day in court. xoxoxo

Liz said...

(((Miranda))) What Kathy said.

Sue said...

Miranda, I'm so glad to hear about your son's great performance! Congratulations on the work accolades - well deserved for sure!!!

Sorry to hear about the court appearance.

xoxox

Queen of West Procrastination said...

(((Miranda))) The best of times, the worst of times indeed. So many hugs.

esperanza said...

((Miranda)) what everyone else said.

W: new colleague at church for hubby. Great at his job. Wife is uber-pious. Three little girls, just our Baboos' ages. Pretty much invited themselves over this morning to play. LAST thing we needed, especially introverted Sweet and introverted Esperanza. My instincts are telling me I just don't need to be her (wife) friend. Her instincts are clearly saying the opposite.

kathy a. said...

Oof, Esperanza. Ralph's thinkin', boundaries are good. Like, structured times set up in advance, with limits.

Sue said...

Yay for sneaky party plans kathy!!

Ralph's on his way and bringin' the boundaries.

esperanza said...

Thanks, Ralph! She's lonely, I get it. I was once new here too. She's just not my people. And there are other folks here who are her people. Like I said, give my introverted self my single digit number of good friends and I see no need to add on any more.

AW: they only stayed an hour. Her hubby wanted to check out my new computer. So it was relatively limited.

Queen of West Procrastination said...

I imagine that, as she settles into the area and the church community, she'll find like-minded friends for herself and the kids, and pick up on the fact that you're not really up for close friendship. Perhaps you could alert one of her type of people to her need for a friend? Not that she's your responsibility, but for your own sake.

She could definitely use a visit from Ralph (maybe he could show up uninvited and expect coffee?) to remind her about social graces.

esperanza said...

That's the thing--she's already friends with some like-minded people. I don't want to seem like a snobby snot. I get the feeling that she thinks she *should* be my friend because I'm the preacher's wife and she wants to learn how to do that too. Blech. She is already far more the typical "preacher's wife" than I am, or want to be, or ever will be. Maybe part of my reaction is to that role. Hmm. But still, back right off, woman.

Queen of West Procrastination said...

So, it's less loneliness, and more expecting you to be a certain type of preacher's wife, which probably includes the expectation that you have no boundaries and therefore she can invite her whole family over whenever?

This really does call for a visit from Ralph.

esperanza said...

thanks, QWP! Y'all are the best.

kathy a. said...

Good diagnosis, QWP!

Blech, indeed, Esperanza. Extra-barfy because, in fact, you are a genuine preacher yourself, and nobody expects Mr. E to play the part of "preacher's wife," entertaining the masses on all occasions and at their whim.

But I guess this overlaps a bit with Sue's problem, too -- that expectation that pastors are on call 24/7/365, no matter if the problem can be handled another time. No matter the personal or family needs of the pastor.

Queen of West Procrastination said...

Ugh. It's like when a couple different relatives of mine reach married a farmer and moved to Middle Earth Canada. Each my aunt and my cousin have jobs outside if their homes, but all the farmers started off expecting them to be traditional farm wives, being available to entertain uninvited callers in the middle of the day.

Each of them have shut that down. People in Middle Earth are now learning how to call in advance and make plans, at least.

Queen of West Procrastination said...

Each, not reach.

Sue said...

I hope in another generation (or two) these ridiculous expectations will fall away completely. Gone are the days when women should be expected to wear skirts and pearls and be ready for guests at all times.

It's seriously messed up.

liz said...

I think Esperanza needs a pin that says, "I am a preacher married to a preacher. I may be the preacher's wife, but I ain't a Preacher's Wife"

kathy a. said...

I'm a city girl, but it's my impression that farms require really a lot of work, and therefore many "farm wives" are also what you might call "farmers." Even the ones with outside jobs.

Well, and there is that newfangled thing called a "telephone." My great-grandmother was born about 1880; I remember her saying that her family had one of the first in her area. I'm not clear on whether this was while they still lived in Canada, or after they moved to Ohio, where she met her husband and they produced a son in 1904.

Queen of West Procrastination said...

Believe it or not, up in Hobbiton Canada (I've decided that this area is much more specific than Middle Earth Canada), they didn't get electricity until 1958! And they had party lines well into the 1980s, if not the early 90s. So, I get that old timers are used to avoiding the phone unless necessary, but they clearly have the expectation that everyone's lives are the same theirs, and that if you're a married woman, you're spending your day baking, tending to children, and doing laundry. The younger generation is working on that, but some people change more slowly than others.

Sue said...

1958 - Wow. I remember party lines!! They were totally fun when we were teenagers.

It's a whole new world up in Hobbiton now!