Thursday, November 29, 2007

Awards: The Crystal Edition

Another Wednesday has passed, folks. Most of us made it through, and with relatively little bloodshed. I say that's a win for everyone!

You learn something new every day. Apparently, the fifteenth wedding anniversary is the one where you gift your mate with crystal. Since Crystal didn't want to be wrapped up and stuffed into a box for my husband (she's not very obliging that way, darn her infernal soul!), we did Our Own Thing as usual. We decided to go for a family meal this Saturday to our favorite, and expensive, restaurant. We amended that we could *make* each other gifts for the actual day instead. In keeping with my (very large and financially ruinous) craft jones, I made Juggling Freak a card. When I arrived home from school today, he'd made me an adorable little clay penguin. (Yes, I have a thing for penguins. It all goes back to my wild love of Opus from the "Bloom County" comic strip. Don't ask. It's complicated.)

Anyhow, another thing upon the now miles-long list of Things I Did Not Know, is that if your husband gets sick and REALLY stuffed up, all that mucus that's clogging up his sinuses will eventually begin leaking out of the tear ducts in his eyes, giving him a gloriously nasty case of "viral-induced" conjunctivitis. I will now go wash all the pillowcases and sheets on our bed.

I also learned that I shouldn't wear my Crocs to school on days when it's expected to rain, as our main hallway has those institutional floors, and I hydroplane like a muther.

I've also learned that I have some awarding to do!

This week, In the "Whine of Substance" category:

Esperanza, who still does not have her wee one home with her from the NICU. It's bad enough that your sweetie is still there, without having to deal with the Drama Mamas who wail and rend their clothes because their baby has to stay OVERNIGHT in the NICU. Yeah, when you've got your own parking space at the hospital, *then* you're allowed to whine, you overly-dramatic wench! (The Drama Mama, not Esperanza. In case I wasn't clear. Like I am nine tenths of the time.)

Uccellina, and the insurance, or lack thereof. That's awful. Nothing like throwing you to the wolves all at once, is there?

Turtlebella, for the not-even-trying woes. And here's to hoping that pretty soon, your whines will be all about morning sickness and nipple pain. After all, someone's got to bring the boobage to the party.

Jenr for the boss putting off the performance review, and thus THE RAISE that *comes* from said review **AND** the sucky timing at being looked at for the Dream Job at the worst time. Here's crossing our fingers that they do remember you in the spring!

And in the "Not Minor By Any Means, But Still Extremely Vexatious" category:

Devil MacDawg with her Little Miss S's violent tantrii since the arrival of Baby Mac. Can we say "sibling rivalry"?

Margalit's Neverending Story of How Mental Illness in The U.S. Blows Donkeys, and the assorted crap that that dumps on her life. This, in addition to the busted toilet, complete with the landlord that cares not, and hives. Where's that Morton's Salt again?!

Liz and her brief ode to school: "School. Gah! Tearing hair out!!!" Higher learning has sure refined her editorial skillz, has it not?

Sue, and her GP, who is lacking the "humor is not appropriate right now" button. "Fireplace," indeed!

Jeni, who is apparently attending vet school where the administrators follow Corndog's New Math Principles. Apparently, under the New Math, five *does* actually equal 12! I'm damned if I know how they do it, but there it is. Probably has to do something with the conversion of American units to Scots, or something.

Amy's lament: "skool is dumm." No, honey -- that might just be your students. And their essays. And the fireplacing calendar. And....

The "Stylin' and Profilin'" goes out to thatmommy for not only becoming a mother of a THIRD child, but by doing so IN VERSE, and partly in Russian! Wow. Now, I just feel inadequate. :)

A special award, in honor of our founder, goes to Mrs. Coulter. She may now display the shiny, slashed, and x-ed through Dragon Scale of Gender Inequality proudly on her mantelpiece. Or, hurl it into the sun. Whichever.

kathy a. wins the coveted "Elevated Risk of Mullet" award this week via her diatribe to a glossy depiction of a higher standard of living: "I
want to beat them over the marketing lobes of their puny souls with a cluestick the size of a cannon, but haven't yet worked up enough energy to alert the consumer protection people about idiots who send highly-scented, diamond-encrusted, multi-pound junk mail to strangers." Hear, hear. When you think of a way, please do share!

Thanks to all for the whining this week, and all the lovely "happy anniversary" wishes. You guys rock out loud! Until next week, when Elizabeth will be the hostess to wow us with her presence and wit!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

The Whiner's Ball: Anniversary Waltz Edition

Welcome to the Whiner's Ball yet again! I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving, and people are now recovered from the tryptophan-induced lethargy that came after. And those of you that braved the shopping: you lot are demented!

I'm celebrating my 15th wedding anniversary this Wednesday, hence the title. In honor of the momentous feat of my husband and I surviving all those years together, and not yet having killed or seriously maimed each other, I will try my level best not to join the voices upraised in (agonized) song this week. For those of you who'd like to read my tribute to fifteen years of wedded bliss, check my place on Wednesday.

What's new by you, pixies? Anything momentous to share? Any gripes that need airing before you spontaneously combust? Fire away when ready!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Prizes: The "*Urp!* - I Ate Too Much!" Edition

Okay, pixies... this is the master plan: YOU get to award the prizes this week! Read back through the whines, and you award your own prizes as you see fit.

I'll start us off with a "Elevated Risk of Mullet" award: to Corndog for his astute assessment of the new math and the state of politics in our country via the winning entry, "30 people = 2 turkeys...If this were true, wouldn't turkeys be running the country? This is why I never understood the new math. Plus they kept changing what "x" was." You have, sadly, described our current leadership very accurately.

Now it's all up to you, the glorious pixie posse! Award as you will, and let the turkeys fall where they may!

P.S. -- The whining thread remains open, too!

Monday, November 19, 2007

Special Edition: The Whiner's Banquet

Welcome, one and all to the Whiner's Version of the Thanksgiving Feast! We, the moderators (mostly other people, since I tend to read emails way after the fact...) have decided that this week's Whiner's Ball be deemed a Multi-Host, Week-Long Extravaganza! Much in the tradition of my family Thanksgivings, this way, the work is divided, and no one person is stuck doing all of the onerous (though fulfilling!) work alone.

By the way, I'm bringing Praline Sweet Potato Casserole; dinner rolls; Penne Pasta with garlic breadcrumbs, Olive Oil, and Almonds; and a Chocolate Raspberry Torte to the festivities. And that's just *my* contributions! My mother, who is hosting our family's get-together this year, plans to also make: a standing rib roast, a "small" turkey (small to my mother means anything you *don't* need a forklift to move), sausage stuffing, broccoli with cheese sauce, mashed potatoes, squash casserole, fried corn, and macaroni and cheese. And, I'm quite sure that there will be more. Can we go ahead and loosen our belts in anticipation now? I'll have a bottle of Pepto-Bismol with a bucket chaser as my beverage, please!

But, seriously -- in the spirit of the season, I say to you all: May all your whines be small, pixies. May the joys in your lives far outstrip your sorrows. May you be fortunate enough to hold your loved ones close, and to tell them what they mean to you. May the blessings, both great and small, flow for you and your families, and may you know how truly loved each and every one of you are. Give thanks, pixies, that we have this wonderful community here who provide support and laughter in times of overwhelming stress and sorrow. Be glad of the friends we have made, and who gather around our virtual table to share in the gifts that we bring to each other. I wish you peace and happiness, from our table to yours.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Awards! The laundry list edition

Seems like everybody's got the "Life's going to hell in a handbasket" blues this week.

The Good News/Bad News Award goes to....

  • Redzils who has a stupid paper due (BOO) BUT will be seeing her boyfriend for Thanksgiving (YAY) BUT meanwhile the boyfriend is being all good samaritan-ish with a homeless ex-fiancee (nicknamed "Imelda" for good reason).

  • That Mommy who forgot to pick up her baby at daycare for a well-baby appointment even though she remembered to go to the well-baby appointment because of sleep deprivation BUT said sleep deprivation is caused by all the assorted stuff one has to do to prepare for the homecoming of the newly adopted Kid3!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

  • Esperanza who is NOT having supply issues and her baby is gaining weight (YAY!) BUT is having clogged ducts and poor baby is still in the NICU (BOO). We hope baby comes home soon!!!

  • Debangel who sold her dad's house to a very nice lady who is also the director of an assisted living facility (YAY) BUT whose dad not only groped the nice lady director --- he also has a stash of Viagra in his nightstand (all together now: "Ewwwww").

The Style Award goes to...

  • Kathy A. for her ode to the Dancing Dads. I'm sorry you couldn't be there too, Kathy A.

The Bringing the Bodily Fluids Award goes to...

  • S.: "And when we arrived home it was to the all-too-familiar smell of Annoying Dog's bloody diarrhea." What more can one say?

The Holy Oxymoron Batman! Award goes to...

  • Swissmiss: "Anti-whine: In-laws!" I don't think I've ever heard that phrase uttered before.

Homebaked brownies to the folks who are swamped by work, parenting, headaches, backaches, food-poisoning, ill family members, spouses who are travelling, periods, the TWW, and zits.

That does it for this week! Tune in next time to see if MM can ask again in a nice voice!

Monday, November 12, 2007

Wednesday Whining: But I Said, "Please" Edition

It's been Wednesday all week here, from the point of view of a certain 5-year-old.

Earplugs, anyone?

How are y'all doing this week?

Thursday, November 8, 2007


Congratulations to DevilMacDawg on the safe arrival of Baby Mac!

Woo Hoo to Liz for a winning campaign!

Many hugs, chocolate, and sympathy for Scrivener, Margalit, and Andy.

Condolences to all who are suffering this week from corn allergies, exhaustion, tantrums, broken stuff, traffic tickets, breakups, deep personal insults, unfinished papers, flaky appliances, ice outside already, critical questions about the placement of months in their assigned seasons, time changes, layoffs at work, not getting laid off and receiving the severance package, pet power plays, litter box accidents, divorce, multiple meetings, unbloggable job stress of a beloved, grade-mongering emails, loud phones, strep throat, overly-efficient squirrels, dirty dishes, time change blues, performing as the bearer of bad news, word manglings, giggles, behavior modification, snow already, single parenting, second grade homework, vomit, carlessness, therapy, acting-out children, hospitalized children, blaming children, dealing with the phone company, lost elections, and plain old worn-outedness.

There is serious competition in the Old School category this week: Andy (pieces falling off the car, broken glovebox and lights, no spare tire, etc.); S (computerized phone calls, to the wrong number, in which the computer malfunctions); and Neighbor Lady (how come all the spoons are always dirty?).

Best New Invented Word Award to DevilMacDawg, for "tantri," the multiple of "tantrum."

Elevated Risk of Mullet Award to Mykal, for "peak whininess."
Thanks to everyone for playing! Join us again next week for another installment of "better living through whining!"
Editorial Update: A column in today's local paper discusses COMPLAINT CHOIRS!

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

The Blues: Now Available in Extra-Whiney

This week's edition of the Whiner's Brigadoon is brought to you by the Federal Bureau of Stupid Things, which ordered us all to "fall back" this past Sunday. As a direct result, several clocks in my house now belong to different time zones, it gets dark way too early, and I wake up at a fireplacing indecent hour. Did I mention that this makes me feel crabby?
Whine: On Friday, husband gets to go to "Dads' Weekend" at daughter's university, and I get to stay home.
Antiwhine: The marching band* has lined the dads up to help with pregame and half-time shows at the big football game, and I am reliably informed that this commitment involves "fun dance steps" to the tune of "Men in Tights." On national television! Suwwweeet! Husband last danced at our wedding, and that didn't involve a chorus line. [Anyone who thinks parental devotion is not deep and true had best think again.]
Whine: The feral foster kittens who came to stay with us last week still hiss and growl when they see me. But, antiwhine: Baby kittie growls are the cutest things in the universe, and they do not seem to mind cuddling at all, once caught. They hide in the exact same easy-to-find spot every time, for cuddling convenience. It's all about appearances, baby.
What's new with you? Secret special prizes for the extra-whinies this week!
Posting early today on accounta crabbiness; also, Blogger has a scheduled outage at 11 p.m. PST.
* Daughter plays alto saxophone in marching band. The photo is not a real alto sax. It is amazing, what a bored person can buy at the craft store for $3.50.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Prizes: Happy Cheap Candy Day!

First, kudos to Queen of West Procrastination for naming this glorious day!

Big hugs and many pixie good wishes to Esperanza and her sweet baboo, and to Margalit.

Cheers for Mrs. Coulter, whose scary whine of last week turned out to be a false alarm.

Condolances and handfuls of choice leftover candy to everyone suffering from: Craft Deficit Disorder, hospitalized children, difficult children, a shortage of trick-or-treaters, ruined aspirations for money-making, overwork, too many weeks before Thanksgiving, feelings of oldness, jet lag, dads who get fired for reasons unknown but icky to contemplate, tiredness, work overload, remodeling, marauding wildlife, stomach flu (kid version and/or parental version), coffee twitchies, concerts missed, allergies, declarations of kid independence, divorce and all its wonderfulness, headaches, depression, giant pimples, painful corns, asthma, and other maladies.

Style Award goes again to Yankee Transferred, for her moving piece, Ode to Halloweens Past and Teenager Present, which concludes with the timeless advice, "Enjoy your little ones while they are little."

Elevated Risk of Mullet Award to Klee, for "Damn you, train of thought! I'm not your friend anymore!"

Old Skool Awards: to Andy, whose landlord replaced the apartment washer with one that takes money (the nerve!); and to Kabbage, who whines of the "cognitive dissonance induced by listening to Christmas carols . . . while I'm dodging trick-or-treaters."

Joy in Mudville Award to the Boston Red Sox and fans!
Along those lines, the Best Pumpkin Award goes to Genevieve, who carved hers with a Boston B.

Best Costume Awards to all those dedicated parents who assembled costumes representing Peter Pan, ghosts, Supreme Ruler of the Universe, Singing Ninja, Naruto, Buzz Lightyear, Green Goblin, and thousands of other creatures of the imagination! Toasts for all with the adult beverages of choice.

Best Costumes-That-Could-Have-Been Awards: to Liz (who tried for Ang the Avator and Luke Skywalker, but failed to score); Andy (who wanted to be Zombie Jesus but had no party to attend); and Klee (whose daughter fell over the coolness cliff this year and refused to trick-or-treat).

Best Costume Story Award to Liz, who left us rolling in the aisles with a tale of college thespianism. Liz receives a tasteful virtual prize:

That's it for this week's edition of Wednesday Whining! Join us next week for another exciting installment!

Edited to add: Remembering What It's All About Award to Esperanza! Apologies for the oversight.