It's a little early, but we're opening the doors to the Whiner's Ball on account of the weather. Feels a little whiney out there.
Many hugs to our wonderful Redzils, whose over-full week was capped by a craptastic weekend. C'mon, Universe -- you can do better than that!
I've got really mixed feelings about Mothers' Day. A squishy holiday invented by the greeting card industry is pretty much destined to cause anxiety in the real world, no? My relationship with my own mother was extremely difficult. But on the other hand, there are so many parents I know and love, so many friends who helped guide and support me when I could not rely on my own mother, so many who helped us raise our own children. So, raising a virtual toast to all the moms, dads, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, honorary family, and good friends who help us all along the way.
My young adult kids totally surprised me, though. Daughter had flowers delivered; Son came by with a big bag of pastries, and his girlfriend sent lovely chocolate. In further anti-whines, the dentist parents who have been so patient with my boy are trying to find a specialist who can fix his abcessed tooth on a Saturday.
The floor is open to all manner of whines, anti-whines, and general kvetching.
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The first mother's day was actually an anti-war protest.
Greeting card companies glommed onto it, though and made it the saccharine holiday it is today.
But I still love the handmade stuff my son gives me, so I'm not complaining.
Another ambivalent Mother's Day view here. I can't ever forget those years of infertility and how painful Mother's Day was. That feeling is still with me, and I know how it sucks for those still struggling. And church (yes, Mr E's church) yesterday was All Mother's Day All The Time. Blech. Mr E got an earful from me about that after we got home. Most of it wasn't his doing, but still.
Ancient Romans celebrated a Mother's Day, honoring the goddess. Ancients throughout the world have similar holidays.
I can understand it might be a difficult holiday for those with fertility problems (I was there once), but I think Mothers are worthy of a day of praise. It doesn't have to be you, or even your own mom.
Seems as if most holidays have been made saccharine today - I avert my eyes in the stores and go on my merry way.
Your kids sure came through! Yay!
Big hugs to everyone. I spent Mother's Day sick in bed while DH and the kids went to stuff. I can never tell whether I have a virus or a flare-up, but this might be both.
The kids brought me presents, cards, and breakfast in bed. Which I couldn't eat. I love bacon, but when your stomach is already feeling iffy it's not the smell you want lingering in your sickroom for the rest of the day.
I'm feeling a bit better today, but the all-day queasiness several days running is making me nervous, because it's not usually one of my symptoms with a flare-up. However, DH said he's had it too so hopefully it's just a bug.
I really hope so, because, although I haven't been keeping track as close as I should, I think maybe AF is late.
My other whine: I really wish I wasn't so absolutely socially clumsy. Really.
And the memorial service is tomorrow. I really want to be there, so I hope I'm well enough to go by then.
Oh, no, no, no. Pixies. I can't believe this. I haven't been on the computer much for the last couple of days, and just got the message that the family whose son died last week just suffered another terrible loss.
The father's parents (kids' grandparents) flew in to be with the family after the 9-year-old's death. Early the next morning Grandpa collapsed, and he passed away.
They are thankful that it happened when the family was all together, as they knew he had health issues, but still . . . I can't imagine.
Please send my deep sympathies to their family, PK.
oh, PK. xoxo
Thanks, ladies. I guess it just happened this morning.
Oh PK - condolences and hugs all around.
TaraDharma - I'm with you. The "rot your teeth" sweetness of some of the hallma*k holidays turns my stomach. So I just go on my merry way and do my own thing.
Whine of little substance: I just discovered a bruise on my right thigh that's at least four different colours and about six inches long. I have NO idea how it got there. I don't remember bumping into anything, shutting the car door with my leg, nuthin'.... Not that I will be in danger of this display of technicolour being seen by anyone (the short shorts went out around 1970) - but what the heck???
If the cat were more than 7 pounds I might blame here. It's not hubby. We have a majorly huge bed and he lies on his back all night - therefore, minimal thrashing about. Me too. I tend to flop and sleep - not much moving around.
It's a mystery.
Sue--did you bump into a coffee table or counter or something? Around here I could assume I bumped a rabbit cage or the railing on the stairs.
AW: You Pixies were so generous about my inability to do Awards - thank you.
AW: I spent the morning at the zoo chaperoning kindergartners. It was a delight.
W: Then I went to work.
w: My in-box contained an "offer letter" (contract renewal letter) addressed to MS. ZILS (note: the words "Post-Doctoral" are IN MY JOB TITLE, what salutation would you assume goes with that?). And, the letter was for the wrong dates. With the job title I have had, not the one I was promised. Etc.
W: I am getting jerked around on a thing. About a thing. On a timeline. Etc. It makes me want to drive across town and shake someone by the lapels of their pristine white lab coat, but so far I am resisting.
AW: phone interview a couple of weeks ago led to an in person tomorrow... wish me luck!
Sue, I hope the mystery bruise disappears as quickly as it arrived.
P_K, your friends' family will be in my thoughts.
esperanza, liz, kathy a. - I read a neat argument somewhere in the blogosphere this weekend about Mother's Day and how these holidays can be about inclusion, rather than criteria. You all remind me of that, in your generosity around the day.
Huge hugs to PK, and deepest sympathies for that family! PK, hope your sickness disappears soon! (Was just on a news site and noticed that romaine lettuce is being recalled..any chance it could be related to that? Just a thought...) In any case, hope you are feeling better pronto.
Dr. Redzils, (there, that wasn't so hard! Why can't your employers get it?!?!), I hope everything resolves favorably for you soon, and good luck on the in-person interview!
Sue, boo for big mystery bruises! May it heal quickly!
Hugs to you all!
--Neighbor Lady
GAH!!! GAHH!!!! GAHHHHHHHH!!!! GAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
This work-related shrieking has been brought to you by TPC
Hi, Tara!
Dr. Redzils, hope the suckiness resolves -- crossing fingers about the interview!
Sue, I'm forever bumping my desk or something and acquiring colorful epidermis.
Liz, whatever it is, yikes!
In the no good deed goes unpunished category, I responded to someone's inquiry on a work-related list-serve. Something extremely dangerous and thoughtless was proposed; I and at least several others presented reasons why this was really really bad. She kept writing back and trying to argue me into approving the terrible idea. By asking the wrong question of an ethics authority -- one that leaves out the biggest problem -- she has decided that ha ha ha she's right. Gah. Sometimes I hate people. And I don't know why I gave up so much space in my brain to this person.
About an hour from now, minister from Other Church that we are (yay) no longer amalgamating with, is coming for a visit to my office. At the end of another meeting last week, he starting chewing me out about how the whole thing falling apart was ALL MY FAULT.
Apparently, I should have over-ruled the will of my congregation and if I had done so, would have proven my ability to lead.
I think a little bit of my breakfast just returned in the back of my throat.
Anyway, I defused the situation by suggesting that we meet today to discuss it further (thinking he might have cooled off by now).
First - I do NOT have the authority to over-rule the congregation at a CONGREGATIONAL meeting. Duh.
Second - I wouldn't have done so anyway, because they were right.
Third - I am a perfectly fine leader thankyouverymuch. I lead from the middle, enabling the ministries within a church that will be here long after I am gone.
I'll be glad when today's "meeting" is over. I despise bullies. Srsly.
sue -- always have food for potentially difficult meetings. seriously. even cookies help soothe the savage beast.
disarm him with your graciousness. you know he is committed to the church and his congregation, just as you are to yours. you've gotten to know his congregation, and know them to be people of good will. but your priority must be to your own. good luck!
"I'm sorry you're disappointed, but I believe that when you've calmed down a bit, you'll see that my congregation made the only decision they could make in good conscience."
*small voice* Pixies are not required to call me Doktor.
Frankly, nobody who isn't being a jerk is required to use a title for me. It is just that when someone ostentatiously includes zir title and omits mine in the same communication, I feel bullied.
Redzils--
I completely get where you're coming from. (and we know we don't really have to call you doctor:) )
But still... It's like when you take your car for service (which I have to do tomorrow--whine, whine---) and they call you Miss with a little extra emphasis as they try and gloss over what is wrong with your car using terms they assume you won't know..,....
Sometimes you just want to come back with a totally "knock-their-socks-off" response that shows them you know exactly what that little gizmo-doohicky-thingamabob does, and why it doesn't require a zillion dollars to tune it up. And say, "Furthermore, that's Doctor to you...."
(Except...um...I don't usually know quite exactly what the thingamajig does....) sigh.
Well maybe it's not quite the same thing, but I do know what you mean...bullies stink!
Okay, I guess i was whinier about my upcoming service visit and test drive than I thought.
Just cross your fingers my car actually *makes the noises* this time that it does all the other times I drive it. (except my previous two test drives) arg!
Kathy a.: food is always a good idea. Plus the meany can't talk as much with food in his mouth.
And Sue, would it be wrong to wait til his mouth is full of cookie, then smile sweetly and say, "I *was* leading..."
--Neighbor Lady
redzils, we are really proud of you for achieving that title. you are right to feel bullied and discounted in formal workplace communications.
the formal conventions are different for different professions, but in academia, a Ph.D. means you are Dr. Redzils.
This conversation is reminding me of the class I took where the instructor was a grad student. I called her, "Professor [Lastname]" and she said, "I'm not a professor, I'm a grad-student" and I said, "What would you prefer to be called?" She said, "...uh...If you were younger than me, I'd say Ms. [Lastname}"
I said, "I'd be glad to call you Ms. [Lastname]." She said, "That makes me uncomfortable, because I'm not calling you Mrs. Miller."
I said, "I'm your student. Our relationship is such that you can call me by my first name if you wish."
She finally decided that in class I would call her Ms. Lastname and outside of class we would both use each other's first names.
AW: This from Richmond Times Dispatch
Listen here
NL -- oy, the car stuff.
liz, that's looking like an entry in the style division.
AW: son called this morning to say he got a referral, and is lined up with a specialist to get his tooth done on saturday! i shot a private thank you off to the dental parents, and i swear, just 2 minutes later got a sweet note back.
Pregnancy test: negative (and no romaine lettuce lately)
Memorial service today.
PK - what a tragic turn of events. And I hope you feel better soon too.
I am always annoyed when romaine lettuce or spinach is bad for you. in any context.
KathyA - yay on the dentist. It kind of balances the universe, the nice dentist and the moron at your office with the dumb idea.
Sue - I hope the bully nullification goes well. So smart to head it off.
NL - me too! I do kind of enjoy getting a bit older (or looking a bit older, I guess) and being called ma'am. It seems more respectful than Miss.
Dr. Redzils - Good luck with an interview and getting a position where they get it. Missing you are a doctor when they are offering you a post-doc position...dumb dumb dumb.
I like Mother's Day better when we don't do anything.
Whine: spring allergy madness has hit. I missed whining last week because I was out of it. Things are getting better, but keeping the meds all straight. oy! It drove me to start allergy shots. I hope I can say next spring is better.
Anti-Whine: update on my daughter's headaches - the pediatrician thinks it is TMJ. He is sending us to a dentist/oral surgeon who specializes in such pain. We seem him tomorrow.
Whine: At what age can you children tell you where it hurts? Even the pediatrician had a hard time getting a pain location out of her. But once he started touching her head, it became pretty obvious to him jaw and temple pain. On the plus side - eyes are OK, sinuses are clear. She is the only non-sufferer this year allergy wise.
Bully = nullified. And no cookies necessary. Funny how an entire weekend will diffuse anger... heh.
In the end, it comes down to two VERY different leadership styles. His church is basically run by the chair of the church Council and the Bully Minister.
'Round these parts, we do things much more democratically. Our ENTIRE Board/Council makes decisions. They consult with me about options, rules, possibilities, but they make up their own minds. They will be here long after I'm gone. It is THEIR church, and I tried to impress that upon Bully minister, but it seemed a bizarre concept to him.
Yet another reason why this whole merging thing was never going to work.
I came out of the meeting with shoulders down, head held high, knowing that he ain't the boss of me, not now, not ever.
YAY SUE!!!!! YOU ROCK!
yippee Sue!
Condolences to p_k and fingers crossed for (doctor)redzils. We get mail addressed to "Rev. and Mrs." all the time. Hey--I'm a rev too, remember?
AW: Mini Baboo has slept for ~whisper~ 8-9 hours straight for the past 4 nights. Aside from the exploding boobs, quite nice. Could I be so lucky as to get two good sleepers?
W: so why am I so sleepy?
W: today is the last day of preschool for the Sweet Baboo, till September.
Yay Sue on the bully, and Yay Kathy a. on the dentist.
Esperanza, that seems so early for preschool to end for the year. Yikes!
Yay Sarah on a diagnosis!
Had my road test at the service dept today with a nice man who didn't call me "miss" . BUT my car DID NOT MAKE THE NOISE IT MAKES EVERY SINGLE FIREPLACING TIME I DRIVE IT!!!!
My car is possessed. It knows just how to irritate me.
Also, the stuttering feeling I get occasionally in the car that makes me think it is going to die--apparently that is my car shifting appropriately. When I was learning lo these many years ago on a manual shift car, that stuttering feeling meant I was shifting incorrectly. Now, apparently, it means my van is more fuel efficient.
Sigh.
I am seriously considering taking video of my car so I can play it for them and they can hear the weird noises.
arrrg.
--Neighbor Lady
ps. antiwhine--I am now going to eat the last piece of pecan pie that my children made me for mother's day.
thinking of you, PK.
sarah, hope the TMJ guy provides some relief!
yay, sue vanquishes the bully!
esperanza -- oh, my. summer again, so soon?
NL, i hate it when you go through the trauma of taking a car in and then it won't do that weird thing it does!
NL - I can't count the number of times I've done that. It's awful. The mechanics give you that "aren't you pathetic?" tilt of the head and send you on your way - THEN it happens again. Argh.
(((PK)))
NL, can you leave it over night and let them start the test drive with a cold engine? Sometimes that works to get weird noises to appear for the mechanics.
Release of the whine of son's tooth has brought to the surface the whine of daughter's housing next year. She wants a single. Hasn't applied for the dorms, but a single there is tres expensive and it is probably too late to get one anyway. Is waitlisted for a popular off-campus furnished place, because they all got snatched up before she applied. Japan's night hours conveniently coincide with working hours on our coast, which makes it easy to sing LA LA LA LA, worry about this later. She returns in August, which would be a seriously bad time to start looking in a small college town, don't you think?
Liz--I asked them to please have the technicians listen carefully for the weird noises once they are done with the maintenance they are doing today (scheduled maintenance, since they didn't find anything else to fix). They assure me the engine will have cooled by then, so hopefully they will hear it.
My fingers are crossed but I am not too hopeful.
Thanks for the thoughts though!
--Neighbor Lady
(((pk)))
Hooray Sue! Good luck with the mystery bruise. When I was in my undergrad, a mystery bruise was a sign of a good party.
NL - Last time I took my car in for a weird clunking noise, the mechanic kindly (and not too sarcastically) hoisted the car and attempted to determine if there was any problem that was obvious that could be responsible for that darn noise which could not be produced on the test drive or on the hoist. The he gave me the "sometimes cars just make noise" speech and told me it was nothing. He backed it out of the garage and when it dropped the 2 inches from garage floor to parking lot asphalt, it clunked spectacularly. The mechanic looked suitably chagrined and I felt extremely vindicated.
I have a whine of not knowing what to do about summer camp for daughter #2. She is begging to go to the residence camp that our oldest daughter goes to, and which I am a camper and staff alumni of. We've done the Mommy and Me weekends the last few years and had a great time, but she has aged out of that program. Despite knowing the director well and having faith in the medical staff, it's not a special needs camp nor are they really set up for complex medical needs. The director says that she thinks they will be able to accommodate DD as long as she has reached certain milestones(a certain level of independent mobility, self-care, etc) that she hasn't grasped yet, and I don't know if she will by the start of camp. The promise of camp might be a good motivator for her, but missing out on camp because of her physical limitations might be crushing(she is easily discouraged). Attending another camp will not be adequate compensation for her.
My gut feeling is that she is just not physically ready to go, even with accommodations, but I don't want to hold her back because of my own perceptions about what she is capable of.
What to do?
(Days)--I wish i had good advice for your camp situation, but I really don't--just lots of empathy.
One possibility? Maybe set up a situation where she goes for a shorter period (a week?) to try it out. That might be long enough to see whether things are working, but not too long for the camp to cope with if they aren't? If she knows it was for a short period, then if things don't work out she could come home, with no discouragement (it was only supposed to be for a week anyway...); whereas if it works out great, then she gets to have a surprise extension (if she wants to stay longer)?
Don't know if they (or you, or she) would go for something like that, but it's the best I've got at the moment....
And, yay for vindicating clunks! Hoping for vindicating clatters galore! Anyway, one of these test drives it's bound to do it....after all, I am nothing if not stubborn....
:) Neighbor Lady
Days, that is rough. I like NL's suggestion of trying a shorter time frame, if that is workable.
Even though you said another camp would not be good enough compensation, if there is a camp that is more geared toward her needs, that might be a very powerful experience for her. Kids who are different often feel so isolated, like they are the only ones facing their challenges. (My opinion is based on my nephew and his family's great experience with a family camp for cancer kids, and also a friend's family's long ties with a Hole in the Wall Gang camp.) xoxo
days, i didn't mean to suggest that your daughter's situation is like those served by those particular camps. just that any number of situations can make a kid feel different and left out, and camps geared toward particular situations can help a kid feel included and successful.
Since the one pixie I know IRL figured it out on her own, I can admit that I am anon from the last couple of weeks. So... I'm tired and sad and frustrated. I am on counseling place #3 and nobody is calling me back. What the fireplace? Why is that so hard? Even if they have no room for me on their schedule, you would think they would call back and recommend someone else.
Also - a teeny whine from the work end of things: Executives have descended on our office... which doesn't mean much except that we are business casual for a few days. I miss my jeans.
oh, JenR, I'm so sorry that anyone has to be the anonymous. And so sorry it's you.
And business casual on top of it all is no fair.
And Days, thank you for putting words to my frequent struggle: "but I don't want to hold her back because of my own perceptions about what she is capable of."
((((JenR))))
(((( JenR )))) i'm so sorry. and, wtf with the not calling back?
((((JenR)))) - so sorry. so so sorry.
kathy a. - No offense taken; a specialized camp would undoubtedly be a better physical setting for her. She will
I don't want to tell her that she can go, because the camp ultimately has the ability to say no if she doesn't meet the guidelines they've set. I would say its 50/50 on whether she will meet the goals on time.
((esperanza)) - If you find a resolution to this struggle, please let me know. It's a daily problem here.
Mother's Day was a mixed bag here. Daughter did breakfast in bed, card, and gave me a painting she had done. Her boyfriend gave me a card. My son did nothing, as usual. I nagged and nagged, but the result of the nagging was that I was annoyed and he was still doing nothing.
And no cake. NO CAKE. An apple pie from the grocery store, but no cake. Harumph!
Whine: the weather outside is frightful and it makes life undelightful.
Antiwhine: Daughter got into local college.
Whine: No money to pay for college since she applied so late due to rolling admissions (whose dumb idea was that?)
Antiwhine: New community service partner is working with son to help with his hygiene (horrendous), and finding something to do.
AntiWhine: Considering the Job Corps for son. 6 months out of the house. Hope he goes for it.
Whine: State has so run out of money that 4 different people, with permission of the parent, called CFS to report a 51a and they never investigated. That is BAD.
Whine: Daughter's boyfriend has essentially moved in and eats like a horse. I want to call his parents and ask for board money. Is that really really tacky? I need the money and they have it.
Whine: I need to replace all 4 tires on the car I can't drive. I HATE to buy tires. If you can't eat, wear, or play with it, I don't want to spend big money on it. YWIM?
JenR, we're going through the same thing with my son. Our health insurance decided that they would change his primary care doc that he has seen since birth, and dropped his pdoc. So he has NO doctors seeing and monitoring him on Lithium. This is DANGEROUS territory and big giant Harvard mental hospital, where he was last ensconced, is responsible for him. They don't want to be, but legally they are and I've been very clear that they need to assign him a pdoc and a therapist. So far, nothing.
Dr Redzils, I had a funny encounter this week with the issue of my title. I do educational advocacy, representing parents in IEP meetings. I always sign the attendance sheet with my name PhD so everyone knows what I am.
So we're in the meeting and the school "psychologist" starts in talking about meds for this kid. She recommends this med, she pooh poohs that drug (ILLEGAL) and I finally can't take it anymore and say "Excuse me, but are you a doctor?" and she responds "I'm a psychologist, are you?" with this really nasty tone. To which I reply "Yes I am, I have a PhD from Harvard University" and that shut her up but good. She walked out of the meeting. Some people are really really.... well, you know what they are.
PK, so sorry to hear about these losses.
My walking team's first fundraising event is this weekend, and I'm nervous that no one will come. In the end, however, that might be the least of my problems, with regards to the walk. One of my mates (the one whose idea this was) is not taking the training seriously. The other has no realistic chance of raising all the money necessary in order to participate. OMG, I might end up walking alone!
I'm so sad for the many, many pixies with such substantive struggles. My husband often teases me when I'm complainy about petty things by nodding solemnly and saying, "Yes, you're life is hard." I know my life isn't hard. It's really not.
Days - camp sounds so hard and far away. Don't you wish we could decide these things the week before? Good luck.
JenR - so sorry. And frustrating on the counseling. Really really. Do you have an employee assistance program at work? Or does he? When my daughter was having the very bad summer, they really helped me find help quickly.
Margalit - sorry for such a rough time. And awesome to get to use the the comeback we all dream of at the right time :)
NL - does the car make funny noises while you drive? I once had the mystery noise problem and after many false starts finally drove straight to the dealer when it did it. (electrical short when I used the parking brake that made the door locks go wild). They could hear, see and fix it.
More prom drama here. We mail-ordered several dresses--the first set arrived, nothing fit and has been returned. We are still waiting on another set (two more, but both short and DD seems to want long). We also did a marathon try-on session at a local dept. store and found a dress (not petite, but with a hemmable bottom and a simple design which works). We bought that dress, but DD discovered that an old friend (who she will not sit with or even hang out with at the prom--they have been friends since grade school but move in different circles now) has a similar dress (in a different color) and now wants to return it. If one of the not yet delivered dresses works, that's fine, but if not, she's SOL because she has tried on every dress in her size in the local area.
Next up--transportation. She/her date are going with another couple, but even dividing the cost of a limo (just a car, really--nothing fancy), it's still $$$. Apparently being dropped off by parents is so socially unacceptable that it is not to be considered and prom is being held at hotel in Big City so driving themselves is not possible as none of them have any experience driving in Big City. Hopefully we'll find some mutually acceptable options.
(I didn't go to my prom--I skipped my whole senior year of HS, so I have no personal experience.)
Oy!
Also--I finally created a blog. Warning--it's totally dorky (and only has two posts since I made it yesterday), but please stop by and say "hi".
Regarding the PhD thing--I've found it to be a detriment at IEP meetings because the teachers say, "she doesn't have a learning disability, you just expect too much". In real life, since I've worked in academia (where everyone has a PhD) I tend to forget about it. Then, every so often, someone in my PTO life discovers/realizes that I have one (which makes me seem even weirder than I already am, among the nice, but definitely non-geeky, PTO crowd).
Emily, see if your daughter's friend is willing to switch, since it's harder for your daughter to find something.
Limos: Would the crew be okay with renting a nice car from Hertz and having a parent drive? Preferably with a chauffeur's cap?
Days - I wish I had some good advice to give you, but others have already said it better than I ever could.
((((JenR)))) I'm so very sorry. You deserve better than this heartache and stoopid people not calling back. I'm feeling the need for a clue-sticking or two.
(((Margalit)) that's a whole plate full of rotten. So sorry.
Whine: Similar to Amy's. We created a relay team for the 100th running of the local ten mile road race. I'm on the team. We each run two miles. No big deal, right? I had the WORST work out ever last night. I couldn't even get through a full mile, never mind two. I have a sinking feeling that I may well embarrass myself and be the slowest member of our relay team. And this whole thing was MY idea.
Sheesh.
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