At tonight's vigil, I'm taking names and asking for people to DO something tomorrow. Write a letter to their congressional representative, write a letter to the editor, talk to their neighbors. No more hate. No more AR-15s available to any Tom, Dick, or Harry who wants one, no matter if they have a violent history. No more.
I'm just so tired of standing with a candle and having no follow-up, no follow-through. Enough.
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These bloodbaths need to stop. I know my senators and congresscritter are working on gun safety -- Sen. Feinstein wrote the original assault weapons ban. Signed the m0ve 0n petition, which will go to the white house and capitol hill. Donated to 3veryt0wn for gun safety. Most of yesterday, was just mired in the horror.
W: I am just overwhelmed on all fronts: too many tragedies, small and large, if tragedies are even measurable in those terms. Too much stuff that needs doing at the house. Too much time with Baboos. Not enough time alone (since school got out on May 27, I think I have had 15 hours apart from them, which I have spent working/attending meetings/going to funerals. Not good. Mr. E is planning to stay home tomorrow, and I am going to escape). I am sleeping enough hours but still don't feel rested.
So if I seem dispassionate or disconnected, it's just because my spirit can't take any more right now.
((( Esperanza ))) Yes -- too too much. Glad you will get a day off tomorrow. xoxo
Hugs to Esperanza and everyone else.
I'm lighting a virtual candle.
I talked to the counselor last night. He said that he definitely does feel there are limiting/risk factors that should result in limitations on H's parenting time. But he thought that 50/50 was the default and anything less than that would legally be considered limitations on parenting time. (Which is not the case; my understanding and what multiple lawyers have told me is that local rule is considered the default when one parent has had the bulk of parenting time/duties before the separation, and you only need to show limiting factors and risk to the kids to go below local rule. Local rule isn't considered limited parenting time.)
He also said he was concerned about suggesting anything too much less than 50/50 because H wouldn't agree to that and it might result in a court battle instead of us settling it out of court. And he was worried that if the kids only got every other weekend with their dad they might get mad at me and blame me for keeping them away from their dad.
I told him that I was far less concerned about keeping everyone happy, finding a compromise H would agree to, or avoiding a court battle than I was about keeping my children safe. I asked him to just recommend what he felt was in the best interests of the kids and would adequately protect them, without worrying about avoiding a court battle or keeping everyone happy.
My lawyer said we aren't obligated to follow his recommendations; she was just hoping that a recommendation from him might help us chime to an agreement without going to court. But if we can't come to an agreement that I am comfortable with we will take it to court and let the judge decide.
I know vigils seem ..ineffective given the lack of action they have produced. Yet, I'm frustrated and disappointed my church is not having any kind of vigil. Last I heard, gays were considered too divisive a topic and we still haven't decided what our policy should be as a congregation. I've I friended several fellow members for posting Islamaphobic mis-information. My kids refuse to attend Sunday school when a certain person teaches.
So the silence feels deafening. My heart feels broken.
I'm going to the UU vigil by the house tonight to bear witness in my community.
When does this all end? Stop the hate. Ban the assault rifles. Love is love is love is love.
(((Miranda))), the vigil I'm going to tonight is at my UU Church, along with the local Muslim community and many many others. I'm just...done...with that being all we do. I'm bringing sign-up sheets for those who are interested in doing more.
(((PK))), I am so glad you were able to get the counselor to clarify his motives so you could clarify your position and goals.
((( PK ))) so glad you could speak to the counselor, your lawyer, and others, so that you are prepared to weigh the risks vs. benefits. xoxo
((( Miranda ))) Glad that you found a community of people to be with right now. That pulling together IS something important. xoxo
W: Got the icks today. Slept badly. Feel feverish.
Hugs all around, pixies.
I am still processing the horror of the most recent shooting...perhaps the most shocking part to me is that it wasn't the only mass shooting last week in the US. It was the seventh. What the actual fireplace?
I heard one level-headed, reasonable, yet passionate presidential candidate on the tv this afternoon while I was cleaning up around the house. Then an utter nut bag of a presidential candidate took to a microphone and I turned off the tv. That guy is so obviously unstable, so obviously unfit for ANY public appearance for ANY purpose, never mind a presidency. I'm sorry pixies. I no longer care if there are readers here who agree with him and his ilk and might be offended by my comment. This has gotten so out of control, the promotion of gun culture, the support of violence, the homophobia, the xenophobia, the isolationism...all from a presumptive nominee, supported by a major political party...
....it's too fireplaced up for me. I can't even process it.
Sorry, friends. That's not a whine, it's a rant. But damn, those lives lost on Saturday night. Just...damn.
Liz, I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes, being with community has value even though those who most need to feel the impact of the public mourning seem to be the least affected by it.
Sing it, Sue. Feel the same way.
Actually, WW has a policy against disparagement and remarks of the sort That Person spouts on a daily basis:
"The Wednesday Whining Community is diverse, and strives to be safe, welcoming, and supportive. To this end, comments that are personally abusive or otherwise disparaging [regarding race, ethnicity, religion, gender, sexual orientation] will be deleted by moderators, along with spam and self-promotion."
Yes, Miranda, I totally get that. And that's the happy medium we've come up with (I wanted to send postcards to our electeds, but was vetoed by members who are LGBTQ, who also didn't want sign-up sheets just around. If anyone asks what more they can do, they'll be directed to me, and I will have the sign-up sheets.)
And yes, Sue. Sing it.
Preach it, Sue. He's awful. Just awful.
Sue, I completely agree. (Kathy, I enjoy the idea that That Person's comments are actually against WW policy.) The ideas that he espouses are so scary that I have trouble stuff from my era of history research (1930s Germany), because it's just too similar.
Liz, I'm glad to see you working toward future action. (I'm concerned that the companies are too slippery for a ban just of one model, however: can't they just rebrand and slightly tweak? Of course, I'm all in favour of a ban that's a wider blanket than that. Speaking of which: I need to write to my MP, to make sure he reminds the PM of the tighter controls that he promised in the election.)
((Miranda)) I'm glad that you found a vigil you could attend. And hugs about all the challenges with your community.
P_K, that sounds like a really positive meeting with the counsellor. And I'm glad that you are working primarily to protect your kids (and yourself).
I've considered myself to be affiliated with that political party at various levels for most of my life. I'm not crazy about any of the candidates, but I'd vote for just about anyone before I'd vote for him. But I unfortunately have a lot of friends and family who support him, though I have difficulty understanding why.
Love love love love.
QWP, aside from re-instating the assault rifle ban -- worked pretty well while it lasted! -- most of the gun safety proposals are more or less along the lines of what people are required to do, in order to get a driver's license. Get training; pass a test; have insurance; require safety measures. Plus background checks (also not unlike driving requirements -- which can be suspended for various activities, medical or mental conditions, etc.).
I personally hate guns for a lot of reasons, never have allowed them in my house. But I do have some relatives who like hunting, and a couple who fear an invasion of aliens or something. Those relatives take good safety measures, like a locked gun cabinet and storing ammo separately, and not letting kids play with them.
Video of yesterday's vigil
Glad your community was able to come together in our time of grief and horror, Liz.
My friend in Florida is officially freaked out after discovering the gunman stalked a Disney place where she was with her kids.
A gay friend in SF is speechless with horror that certain ministers are celebrating the deaths of so many, and sad that more haven't died, because that's how much they hate gay people.
I'm beside myself with suggestions that all Muslims be banned; that those who are here (apparently including citizens) be expelled, or that registration cards be required; that the House Un-American Activities Committee be reinstated to "investigate" those deemed unacceptable by whomever. CONSTITUTION!!! WE HAVE ONE!!! TO PROTECT ACTUAL PEOPLE!!!!!
QWP, I didn't realize that was your area of research. Yeah, an ugly resonance....
Well, counselor's proposal wasn't as bad as it could have been, and included a lot of disclaimers about how this wasn't his area of expertise and went beyond the scope of his assessment, and might not work as well in practice as it looked on paper.
He also said that I should continue to be the primary custodial parent, that the schedule should stay the same in the summer as during the school year, that the kids' reticence to speak anything less than positive about about or set limits with their dad meant any negative experiences with him were likely to go unreported, that all 3 professionals who had worked with us as a couple recognized the need for domestic violence treatment, and that the DV concerns shouldn't be discounted without an evaluation from a qualified professional who specializes in domestic violence treatment, and recommended a certain one.
We proposed a more reasonable parenting plan than he recommended.
Oh, very good, PK.
That all sounds good, PK.
W: feeling very grumbly toward Mr. E. We both need a break, independently. There seems to be a shortage of other responsible parents around this house, however.
H's lawyer sent us a proposed schedule, claiming to follow the counselor's recommendations. It's drastically more than even the counselor recommended, which my lawyer and I already felt was excessive.
He's actually proposing that he have the kids for more than half of the summer (43 days out of 77, or almost 60%, with most of that being all 4 kids at once), where he has all 4 kids at once for 5 to 9 days at a time (he's giving himself 5-day "weekends" every other week, plus having some of the kids at a time for 3 days at a time in the weeks between) , and gives me only two weekends with all of the kids during the entire summer (one of which two kids will be at camp during half of), with never a time when I have the kids for more than 5 days at a time and most of my times being only 2-4 days at a time.
He's asking for 9 days to attend a 4-day family reunion on the other side of the country, with all 4 kids.
And he's scheduling what the counselor recommended as "day visits" as overnights. And not allowing any accommodations for the nursing toddler at all.
He is obviously not going to be reasonable in negotiations. We're going to have to take it to court tomorrow.
Jackass. And PK, the other issues are up for tomorrow, too? The restraining order; the motion for sanctions; financial things?
Yes, all of it.
I hope your lawyer demolishes his side in court. Plus, having the judge find him in contempt would be helpful.
--Neighbor Lady
Exactly what NL said, P_K. Thinking of you tomorrow as you take all this to court. The posse is here on your side.
Oh PK, I can only echo what other pixies have said. The posse is here and at the ready! Thinking of you tomorrow.
QWP - how is your sister doing?
Sue: she's pretty okay! She's definitely dealing with whiplash, but it isn't nearly as severe as the previous accident. The other issues are stressing her out (totalled car that wasn't worth much; police still haven't found the driver of the stolen vehicle, and so until they do, she's on the hook for the deductible; she's substitute teaching and it's June, and so she doesn't know how to replace her car).
AW: I jumped on the bandwagon with an organizational technique (a journalling method), and I've somehow become more productive, but also better rested! First, it helped me get caught up on a bunch of stuff that was stressing me out, and now I find that I feel better about taking real breaks, and not feeling stressed like I'm procrastinating from something! It's the oddest thing: I'm getting more done, but I'm actually taking more breaks.
I'm glad she's feeling pretty good but I sure hope the stressy details get sorted soon.
Yay for organizational methods that work!! Good for you!
QOWP, I'm glad she wasn't badly hurt at least!
I'm feeling pretty good about the hearing tomorrow. I'll have one of my pastors and probably at least one other support person there besides my lawyer, so that will be helpful.
My lawyer sent me an email today that included "Wow . . . Have you ever considered becoming a paralegal?" Which kind of made my day, in the midst of all the stress, since lawyer or paralegal is near the top of my dream job list. ;)
YAY PK!! Thinking of you today.
That's great, PK. Thoughts are with you.
QWP, glad your sister is feeling OK, but the car situation sounds very stressful.
P_K, you are awesome. I'm glad that you have support people with you today, and we're standing with you in spirit.
Guess I am bearing witness today, to the D fillibuster in the Senate about wanting a vote on some very basic gun measures. Listening while I do other things. But so many senators are stepping up and giving speeches that end in questions for the man doing the fillibuster. This is the best display of government in action that I've really ever heard. Background checks; keep people on the terror watch list from buying guns -- not rocket science.
I just started crying again, when a senator talked about a phone call from a 14 year old about wanting to grow up. But various senators have brought up dozens and dozens of points, all valid.
xoxo
<3
The commissioner/judge didn't bother to read our materials at all because we've had last-minute continuances several times in a row. So she continued it again to postpone it until 2 weeks from today. :(
She had our attorneys briefly summarize their arguments about custody and ruled that H would get the kids this weekend Friday evening through Monday evening and next week for 2 consecutive nights/3 days. My attorney argued that the toddler should go for a shorter period of time or at least get to see me in the middle because I am her primary care provider and she's still nursing, and pointed out that 2yo's therapist had written a letter saying how important the nursing relationship is to her and that she has an especially strong bond with me. Also that the therapist who evaluated the kids said she shouldn't be away from me for more than 2 days at a time.
H's lawyer turned in the same proposal they gave to us yesterday, asking for the kids for 60% of the summer, with overnights with each child one at a time and then the others 3 at a time on the off weeks for 3-day weekends in addition to his 5-day weekends every other weekend and 9-day trip for a reunion that goes from Sunday evening through Wednesday morning (so it should be 4 full days including travel time).
The commissioner said she for sure wasn't going to give him individual time with each kid, as that wasn't practical with 4 children.
At least she did give him less than the full week at a time that's the standard local rule summer schedule.
She seemed to think we should have records or statements from the counselors we saw together, but my lawyer says we can't get those at all unless H signs a release, so I'm frustrated and confused about that.
I asked if he would be willing to negotiate letting me nurse the toddler at some point during the long visits, and he said he would let me go to church with the kids for second service for 2 hours on Sunday after he takes them to first service (as we've been doing) in exchange for taking 10yo on an outing for 2 hours tonight. 10yo had been really wanting to do that since she starts youth group next week and it's her last chance for her regular Wednesday night study date with her dad. So I agreed to that.
I'm so, so sad that the commissioner didn't care at all that the 2yo is nursing and super attached to me.
Oh, and also H refused to let me nurse the baby or see the kids at church in the middle of the 4-day visit unless I also agreed to make his second visit Sunday through Tuesday instead of Monday through Wednesday because he didn't want the hearing to cut into his time, even though the judge said the second visit should not necessarily be on the weekend so that I could have a weekend too.
(((PK))) I don't even know how to respond to that except to say that I'm furious on your behalf. It's ridiculous to get in the way of a nursing relationship, especially when the specific therapy report named it as important. Grrr...
(((PK))) I'm raging mad, your STBX is demonstrating abusive behavior even in the discussions about visitation and nursing. I'm furious for you
Me too! So furious! How do these people not see the controlling behavior and the manipulation!?!?!?!?!?
Arg!!!!!!!!!!!
--Neighbor Lady
((((pk))))
((( PK ))) So, the main things are put off for 2 weeks, because the judge wasn't up to speed? And she is not giving it all away to stbx, so that is something.
But I am very sorry that more wasn't resolved, and especially that your jackass stbx is still being so manipulative and controlling. Show me how his actions are helping the kids?
xoxo
He clearly doesn't care about what's best for the kids . . . And he thinks it's more important for them to be with him than with me, because clearly he and what he wants is more important than anyone else, including the kids.
PK, I will pass along some advice that a friend received in somewhat similar circumstances: I know you've been documenting things, but do so for the visits in a very non-subjective manner: He arrived at this time. Kids reacted in this way (not "they seemed upset," but "kid 3 was crying," etc). He returned the children at this time. Document their behavior following visits, too. (For instance, my friend's child had potty accidents and regressed to thumb sucking only after visits with her dad). You may never need this ammunition, but then again, you may.
And now, I'm just going to be mad at his manipulative and controlling maneuvering, just so he can show he's in charge. Grrr. And grrr some more.
There has been this fillibuster in the Senate for about 13 hours now, pushing for 2 measures on which 90% of US citizens agree: universal background checks, and no gun sales to people on the terror watch list. Seems like a no-brainer, but the fillibuster is because those in charge will not bring these modest measures to a vote. I am so proud of the participating Senators.
I have an appointment with 2yo's therapist set up for her the morning after she gets back from the first long visit, and her appointment the next week is during that visit so he'll have to take her.
Esperanza, solid suggestion about documenting things in an objective manner.
PK -- just wondering, but what happens if he decides the 2yo doesn't need therapy, and he doesn't take her?
W/AW: There was a problem with my excellent helper being able to see the right version of several edited pieces of albatross, but we figured out a fix. (Programs were not playing nicely.) No, it's still not entirely done...
AW: My older neighbor just came by to give us some marzipan, and thank us for being good neighbors! She and her husband are sweethearts.
I would think that his failing to take the 2yo to her therapy session wouldn't look good to the judge.
(((((P_K)))))) I'm finding myself praying for you and the kids a lot. I really hope that commissioner/judge sees all the abuse and manipulation and all the other damaging things, and in two weeks makes decisions that are healthier and safer.
That filibuster was exciting, and I really hope that real change comes from the promised vote.
We'll just have to see if a vote actually happens, and/or if what's offered by the Senate leadership for a vote is anything like the subjects of this filibuster. But it was GRAND to see all those senators speaking from the heart, hour after hour.
Last day of school for my kiddoes. The baby will come home a 10th grader.
Excuse me, did you say 10th grader??? Congrats, but wow.
Tenth grade?!! Happy last day of school to the kiddos!
Kathy, I just heard about the big fire in Santa Barbara. That isn't close to you, right? Thinking of everyone everywhere in the path of a conflagration literal or figurative.
Santa Barbara is a good 300 miles south. Fortunately, the wildfire is mostly very rural -- although it has shut the 101 the past couple of nights, a major coastal freeway and the main link between Santa Barbara and Los Angeles.
We're still in a drought. Southern Cal did not get as much El Nino water as expected this winter, and now we're back into fire season. These fires in dry canyons (there are a lot of steep canyons along the coastal range) are not very unusual in summer, although this one came fairly early, the hot weather is making it worse, and this is in an area that hasn't burned for a few decades.
I don't mean to downplay things by saying "rural." But so far, one outbuilding, a small water treatment plant for a state beach, and possibly some orchards are the casualties. The firefighters are using the beach campground, anyway.
I just mentioned to my husband that I'm the "backup concierge" for the dog, like when he's gone. He said, "she doesn't think of me like that." Dog people: what can you do with them? ;)
(Whispered excited anti-whine): this hasn't been announced at the school yet (although I think the other one who applied has been informed), but Mr. Q got a promotion at work! In the fall (in addition to his regular teaching position and starting grad school night classes), he's taking over an admin position. (The possibility of this job was the reason why he applied for grad school: the requirement is that you have a relevant master's degree, or that you're in the process of acquiring it.) So: modest pay raise, and he gets to make decisions about things that he really cares about.
W: Oh my goodness, I now remember why I'm working so hard to get organized right now, and why I'm only pursuing the tiniest of freelancing work. After the summer, our lives are going to get BUSY.
Congrats, Mr. Q!!
Yay Mr. Q!
AW: On my way to see the Fancy Doc with Magic Needles tomorrow. Not a moment too soon. Also get to see my son and his partner. They've had a rough week, so I'm looking forward to hugging them both.
((( Sue ))) So glad you're going! And going to see the boys. xoxo
(((Sue))) There are some extra hugs for you to take along, Sue.
Hooray Mr Q!!!!
Did I tell you my baby is also nearly 6 feet tall? It's all too fast. Too fast.
I can use extra hugs. Fathers Day is a very complicated experience since none of us have good dads here. There is always a lot of sorrow to unpack.
((( Miranda ))) And to everyone who finds this holiday difficult, for whatever reason. xoxoxo
Hugs to Sue for a good trip, and extra hugs for your people.
Miranda, hugs for your people too. Father's Day is just as fraught, if not more so, but so much less support than Mother's Day.
We are going to depart shortly for Daddy's last day at the old church. I'm expecting lots of tears from all four of us. And I'm already tired from staying up too late watching a chunky meeting on line (uber-nerdy). But! We elected two women (one "with white skin" and one with "brown skin"--as the Baboos would have me say) to lead us for the next two years!
((((Sue))) and extras for your boys!
Yay Mr. Q!
(((MIranda))) and family. And everyone who struggles today.
(((esperanza)) good luck on the last day at the old church!
AW: lovely end of year soccer party yesterday, followed by another gathering with some new (and old) friends, who are parents of kids in the group that Neighbor Boy has found. One of the moms at that gathering is the one who, earlier this year when Neighbor Boy was feeling so miserable and alone at school, invited him to a playdate with a very nice group of boys that her son hangs out with. They took him right in, and now he feels connected. I am forever grateful to her! So, it was so nice to sit outside with a firepit and smores and hang out with such welcoming people!
--Neighbor Lady
NL -- how wonderful!
Esperanza, best with the departure.
NL that makes me smile! So glad NB has found his tribe, and that you feel welcome there too.
W: exhausted with the goodbyes.
AW: at least the goodbyes are done. I got sent home with probably 10 pounds of cooked chicken and pork steaks. So--party at our house, unless you're a vegetarian.
Wow, that's a great goodbye gift! Sounds like the excess is freezable, too, so you'll be remembering friends for a while. xoxo
It's ~85 here and heading up; not Texas weather, but not what we are equipped to manage gracefully. No ac. My sweetie likes to BBQ, and both kids will be here. I made pasta salad before it gets even hotter.
That's too hot w/o AC, kathy, even for Texans.
The other nice thing,
church member: so if I picked black eyed peas from my garden, you'd shell them and eat them?
Me: oh {hell} yes.
(Mr. E's last day isn't technically till the end of the month, but today was his last day preaching and the big goodbye party. So it's allowable to receive garden produce for a couple more weeks).
It sounds like you all had a lovely sendoff, esperanza. Hooray for two more weeks of garden produce!
Kathy, that's a very hot day in Canada terms! Good plan for a supper without AC.
AW: we've had a break from the heat, and it was 65F and windy today. And so I made a turkey dinner and chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting, for Father's Day. As an added bonus, I did so much cooking today that I won't need to do much all week. (Believe it or not, this is my way of saving money on the grocery budget. A while ago, I had to put a stop to Mr. Q buying turkeys whenever they were on sale, and so this meal was to use up food that was taking up room in my freezer.)
That sounds so beautiful, Esperanza. You will all have so many memories to treasure in your new place.
NL my quirky boy has found HS so much better for finding likeminded pals. IIRC, he and NB are close in age and I hope this is true for NB as well. "Mom, it's the summer and I have friends!! And they want to do stuff!!! (Big friendly grin!!)"
AW: we normally skip church on Mothers and Fathers Days but The Boy and I were scheduled to usher. The sermon was about remembering the victims of hatred and violence while avoiding the urge to scapegoat. Only one member, a very kind man, kept asking how we were celebrating Father's Day. "You seeing your dad? The Boy's dad?" When I explained that those people are not in our lives, his face looked really sad for us. It was very awkward and since he is so kind, I felt bad for him.
(((MIranda)))
And, so glad your son has found his pals in high school! So awesome! :)
--NL
((( Miranda and son ))) I think you maybe taught the older man something. Sure that he has trouble imagining a designated person in his life -- until, maybe, he thinks about it some more. xoxo
(((Miranda and son)))
But hooray for high school pals! I found the same thing (it was actually the reason why I loved going to a big high school: much higher odds of like-minded people).
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